Thursday, February 24, 2011

Roller Coaster

On Monday when I posted the picture of my new shirt I was in the best mood.  I had the 160s, I was working out that day, I had had a great weekend... all in all, life was on the up and up. 

Tuesday I got on the scale with not so great results.  However, my friend Serina has told me over and over again that I should not let one bad weigh in get me down.  So, even though going up over a pound was not the happiest thing that I have ever seen, I realized that this is a JOURNEY.  It's not going to be easy and it's never over.  Just like Frodo in the Lord of the Rings.  Frodo's journey isn't ever over... he is always journeying.  And despite my gain, I wasn't in a bad mood.  I wasn't cranky and I had planned a good dinner.  I stopped at Dino's and ordered my chicken gyro with no cheese, no dressing, and additional vegetables.  I also got a similarly well planned gyro for my lunch on Wednesday.  By the time I actually got my food I was STARVING!  For one of my sides I ordered pita chips and hummus thinking that pita chips would be like the ones I get in the store.  However, when they came, they were deep fried and kinda gross.  But I was starving so I ate them anyways.  As I got close to class, the parking was AWFUL, I was getting frustrated and I ate the ENTIRE chicken gyro in like 2 minutes.  Class was frustrating as well and after class was over I ate 12 thin mint cookies!!  12!!!!! Arg! 

Feeling frustrated I decided that Wednesday was a new day. 
I got up early, went to Byerlys, and purchased salad, healthy cereal, and fruit.  I calculated my points and was convinced that Wednesday was going to be amazing.  I was doing a pretty good job until after lunch.  At this point I rediscovered the chocolate covered almonds under my desk.  After being so good in the morning, eating cereal and fruit and a salad for lunch, I ate 25 almonds... a total of 20 points, almost my daily total... well, that blew me way over my daily allotted points.  "Ok,"I thought, "This evening will be better." 

Off I went home, determined that I would workout and eat a healthy meal and get work done.  I made healthy chicken and it was delicious, I might add.  I used packaged spices to make chicken tikka masala and rice.  I didn't eat it all and was feeling good.  Full, but good.  THEN I looked at my "To Do" list... And the old Emily, the evil Emily, the Emily who honestly cannot control her eating habits took over.  I was feeling stressed about my Hamline classes, work, and other life stressers.  And I let the emotions control my choices... and the evil Emily, the stressed Emily, the Emily who I try so hard to hide, made a batch of rice krispie treats.  

Ok, you might be thinking to yourself, "How bad can those be for you?"  Well, let me tell you, one batch is 60 points!  60 points!!!! And I ate about 3 servings.  

I wish that I could say that I was proud that I didn't eat the entire pan like I used to, but I am not proud.  I am not proud of the decision I made and I didn't feel great either.  In fact, I feel ashamed about it.  And that is how I know that I had slipped into old ways.  The new and improved Emily normally lets these things roll off her back.  "Meh, I went over points, tomorrow is a new day."  But yesterday I felt SO sad and overwhelmed that I ate the old way.  And in one day, the FIRST day after my weigh in, I ate 29 flex points.  29 flex points!!! That's 28 more than I had planned to spend.  28 more than I would have wanted to spend... And I just felt stupid. 

I emailed my two WW friends a very sad and depressing message.  Last night I wanted to quit.  To throw in the towel and say f* this.  170 is good enough, why can't I quit now?  But, I think part of me honestly has been thinking those thoughts for a long time.  I look at women in the 140s and think that that would never be me.  That I will never look like that.  And I won't if I don't exercise and let each bad day make me throw the towel in.  I tell my students everyday that their journey to being able to read isn't going to be easy, but that they shouldn't throw the towel in when the going gets tough.  Why can't I take my own advice?

I truly did not want to blog about this.  I feel like all these thoughts, these moments are private moments that only I should have to live with.  That I am the only one in the world that feels this way.  And then I got an email back from my WW friend and it lifted by spirit.  And then JD made me laugh and it lifted my spirit. 

And the icing on the cake was when I went to PriorFatGirl.Com and read her post today.  Truly you should read it.  

So I am going to re-post something that a friend shared with her: 
"People ask me what it is about Priorfatgirl that inspires me so much. I really do not know her very well. I read her blog, but it is not the first one on my list.  But I look for strength in people. Strength is more than weight loss. It is more than writing down meals and going to the gym. It is the courage to put your life day in and day out in a blog for people to read. No matter how hard it gets."

And she said these words which prompted me to blog today: 
"You never know how your going to effect someone’s life just by fighting your own healthiness fight. Do not set out to inspire others. Do not blog to become popular or to make others proud. Do not make it your goal to be known for what you achieve. Instead, fight to be the best you can be. Fight to make yourself proud. Fight to be truly authentic. Because it is only when you truly do it for yourself that others will see your authenticity and be inspired."

I know this is a long post.  I know that it really might not make any sense at all to anyone else.  You may not have even made it this far in the story.  If you have, well, you deserve a medal. :-)  And if not, it's more for me.  To keep me honest.  To share these days.  To remind myself and others that no matter what, I am not alone and YOU are not alone.

Life is a roller coaster.  Cheesy, but true.  We have our ups and our downs, and occasionally our in-betweens.  However, I want to be like Frodo.  I want to keep journeying through this life... in search of the ring.  


1 comment:

  1. Hey, Em!
    I just wanted to drop by and tell you how proud I am of you! I read the whole post and was SO excited to read the are aware of your struggle and realize that it IS OK! It is a JOURNEY. It will NEVER be easy. You can't quit now...I need you! You inspire me. Honestly, some of the stress may be because you can't be at all the meetings! I would totally go another night (to catch the meeting part) with you if you want! Call if you need anything and stay strong! Much love, Serina :)