Saturday, February 5, 2011

Not Doing the Work

Last evening I had a dream about overeating.  No joke!  In my dream I knew that I as well over my points and yet I keep eating this VERY greasy and fattening Chinese food.  And the whole time I was tracking it as 5 points because I was manipulating the weight watchers book and finding the number that pleased me most.  Well obviously this is a CLASSIC anxiety dream.  I woke up, thought long and hard about what I ate for dinner, and thought thank god.

However, it is a year into my weight loss journey, my big life change.  And the change is apparent.  Except, like anything that has been stagnant for a while, I am starting to get frustrated.  Life is getting busy and the temptation to eat out is greater.  Also, my time for working out is much less.  Two weeks ago, I didn't mean to, but I think in my head, I said f* it.  I went out to dinner with some friends at Applebees.  I picked out my entree after scrutinizing the menu, and it was a solid weight watchers choice.  But when the buffalo wings came, I decided that since I didn't have the points plus value, I would just eat as many as I wanted, with as much sauce as I wanted.  And then JD and I split dessert (two ss, because unlike being ALONE in the desert with only 1 s, you do want TWO servings of dessert... fun trick to remember).  Well, I didn't just split dessert, I devoured a good portion of it.  You would have thought that I hadn't ever eaten a cookie with ice cream before.  I think subconsciously I felt frustrated at always making choices, at not getting to eat all the crap that I used to eat, mad at the world that I ever got as big as I had in the first place... Just a hot mess.  Well, on the scale, what I thought would be a .5 gain was a 2 pound gain!  2 f*ing pounds!!  Forgive the obscenities, but seriously?  That was more that I gained at Christmas, as I have mentioned.  And nothing but devastation set in.  And for the first time in this year of ups and downs, I truly thought to myself, "Maybe I should quit." 

I didn't stay for the meeting because I had other places I had to be.  And I didn't want to sit there next to all my friends who had lost weight.  So, I walked out.  I sat in my car and I cried.  I also threw my scale in the snow, but that is a story for another day.

I have sat and tried to rationalize this two pound gain for 2 weeks.  Well, I was sick with my sinus infection and I couldn't work out.  I was stressed with work.  I was feeling crappy about other things.

Dear Emily, it has been at least 5 days since your sinus infection got better, what is your excuse now?

This morning I got up to read  (Something that has been my inspiration for the past week.  One of the women on the site Amanda, has had the journey that is VERY similar to mine.  She started at 219 and ended at 149.  I started at 213 and I will end at 143. )

Anyhow, this morning I woke up to read the newest priorfatgirl postings, and for the first time I really read Jen's story about her journey.  And something she said REALLY struck me...

"For years, I used every excuse that I’m sure some of you have used.
  • “I don’t have time to work-out”
  • “I can’t afford it”
  • “Dieting is unrealistic”
  • “I tried a diet once, it didn’t work”
  • “It’s just genetics that I’m like this”
  • “I’m single and live alone, if I buy all that healthy food, it will just go to waste”
Guess what? These are all excuses. They make you feel better so that way you don’t have to do the hard work. They give you a reason not to do something. Its called “rationalizing.”

Everything you hear those nutty nutritionist’s say – DO IT…they actually know what they are talking about! It hard – it is a pain in the ass. But guess what? It works! I work out about 5-6 days a week. Yep, it sounds like a lot – but if you want to be healthy (“skinny”) then you have to do the work. If you want something bad enough, you will do the work.
If you are right now reading this and saying to yourself “okay – whatever, I don’t have time to work out that much” then you know what? stop reading. Just stop right now. If you do not want to work out and you do not want to eat healthy then FINE! Stop complaining and wasting everyone’s time, save yourself the frustration and embarressment of failing and stay the way you are. I know, that was kind of harsh – huh? Reality. Welcome to the real world. Life is hard :) If you want something, you will have to do the work to get it. I am a real person. I did this by myself. I am real, what I did was real, and you can do this too!"

I have been sitting here thinking about that quote since I read it.  "If you want something bad enough, you will do the work."  When I started, I did SO much work.  I worked out, I ate REALLY healthy meals, I didn't use all my flex points.  And now I am at a place where I am coasting, but not doing the work.  This begs the question, how bad DO I want it?  I have less than 45 days before Florida, and 4 months before I am at Institute where I can't cook my food.  So, now is the time to kick it in gear.  I DO want this bad, now I have to do the work.

I woke up this morning thinking I was going to write some post about the tragedy of only getting eat one bowl of Lucky Charms, but leaving this post feel revitalized to get off my a** and do something.

This is my life and I only get one.


  1. A. I love that you threw your scale in the snow.
    B. Yes, this is your life, you only get one, and you're in the driver's seat. And you will probably battle this your whole life. What seems to be the new difference is that now you are a general in the war room...figuring out how to defeat your enemy. And defeat you shall.

  2. keep it up emily. it's worth it, because YOU are worth it. thanks for all you do and for all you share. you're wonderful.

  3. So it's basically like this episode of Scrubs where a woman is trying to get the gastro-whatever surgery that makes your stomach small so she won't eat as much: