Wednesday, October 19, 2011

It Doesn't Get Old

Today I got to show off the new me to a co-worker.  We have worked together for a year, but he never saw the Old Emily.  He never knew her.  The one who cried on Friday nights because being the "fat" friend at the bar was too much.  The one who would EASILY put away McDonalds for breakfast, Noodles and Company for a snack, and Chipotle (burrito and chips) for dinner.  The Emily who was sad and uncomfortable all the time, but tried to hide it with low-cut shirts and a big personality.

The big personality is there, however, the other habits and feelings are starting to go away.  However, I forget that there are people in my life who didn't know me then.  This co-worker is one of those people.  I was tracking my points today and he said, "You are so diligent!  I am proud of you!"  And I said, "I have to be!"  Which led to a conversation about the before and after... and eventually to my blog.  I showed him my last post with the school photos and the AWFUL photo of me in the white wife beater (see before and after pictures if you want to see it).  His face was dumbfounded.  It could have been an act to make me feel better, but I truly don't think so.  He looked like he didn't believe me.  Like I was making up the girl in the photo.  His reaction made my day. 

You would think after months of looking different that it would get old to hear, "You look so good!" or "Oh my god!  That was you?!"  However, after years of feeling like s*it, it seriously doesn't get old.  

I am sure that people in my life are sick of hearing about my points, my clothes that are too big, and the old Emily.  BUT, in times of plateau and frustration, it is really nice to have reminders of how far I have come. :-)  

So if you think a nice thought about someone, share it!  Who doesn't like to be told they look good.  
And for us priorfatgirls...  NO, it doesn't get old! :-)

Monday, October 17, 2011

F* It Mondays, Schools Pictures, and a Shout Out

F* It Mondays
So, a couple of weeks ago, this is what happened... Let me set the scene.  It was Monday night.  I was just sitting around with the boys that I live with.
Me: "I want cupcakes.  Chocolate.  Right now.  JD, can we go to the store to get cupcakes?"
JD: "Sure."
Me: "Yes!  CUPCAKE!!!" (running around getting keys... looking for my wallet)
Jachin (our housemate): "She's out of points, isn't she?"
JD: "OH Ya."

This is what we call the F* its.  When you hit the point that you don't care what you put in your mouth because it doesn't matter, because you aren't going to be tracking it.  The last couple weeks I have gotten the case of the Monday F* its.  SO much so that my boyfriend has affectionately started to call this day of the week F* It Monday.  He's right.  I hit Monday and I say, "Eh!  I will eat whatever..."

So, I have been trying to decide why I think that it is that Mondays I don't care.  Why I can go to a party on Saturday, not eat anything by chewing gum, work out on Saturday and Sunday, and not use ANY flex points since Friday... and then Monday hits and it's ALL down hill.  And I weigh in on Tuesday.  My challenge this week is to talk through this conundrum with friends.  I want to figure out WHY this is.  Why do I lose all my motivation and drive on Monday.  If you have any thoughts PLEASE share!

A Picture is Worth A Thousand Words 
One of the joys being a teacher is that you get to take a school picture every year.  I will let these photos speak for themselves.

2009.  If you can even get past the HAIR... eesh!

2010  A step up from the last one.  But still... a uneven eyed bird comes to mind.

Face, more slim.  Hair, much cuter.  Confidence, much better. 

HUGE Shout Out 
Before I sign out for the evening, I want to leave a HUGE HUGE HUGE shout out to 3 certain ladies who helped me make it through a hard Saturday evening.  I texted SOS and they came to the rescue.  Additionally, after a SOS email requesting help staying on track Serina came over Saturday morning to do Zumba and go for a walk.  Shelby has texted at least once every day to check in on.  Meg has been more than encouraging through email and text.  Ladies!!!  I don't know what I do without you.  

One more shout out to Beth from work.  When I told her that I wanted her to help make sure I didn't eat anything at the party, she went and bought gum so I would have something to chew.  I am a lucky lady. 

Thursday, October 13, 2011


It must be a blogging kind of day.  This morning I posted about how I am not feeling motivated to write... that I have anything interesting to say and now I feel the muse.  I have thoughts that I want to share and things that I am pondering.

It's interesting how jealousy works.  Today I looked at my friend Anna's blog.  Holy crap she looks HOT!  I mean, my jaw dropped to the floor and wanted to say, "Hubba hubba!"  Not that she was not beautiful before, but the healthy glow is all around her.  She is my inspiration for today.  And tomorrow.  And the next.  In fact, I may print out her picture and carry it around with me (it's not weird, I swear... she was one of my best friends in college!).

But something interesting happened when I was looking at her blog.  I got super jealous.  And not just a little jealous, SUPER jealous.  Motivated, but jealous.  I haven't seen Anna in years.  Probably 3 years.  But some of my best memories of Anna are of us driving to Panera (the one in the rest stop in the middle of nowhere Ohio) to eat.  Not only to eat, but to eat a lot.  To eat without feeling guilty.  That was our thing. We would eat and eat and even when I thought I couldn't possibly eat more... then we would go to Starbucks and get soy chai.  Venti.  With whip. Delicious.  She was my "bigger" friend who would joke about being bigger with me.  And we would talk about how frustrating Weight Watchers could be.  (I asked her before I wrote all this, so in case you are wondering, she doesn't mind that I am telling you this.)

In 2008, At our rest stop in Ohio with our favorite barista!
Us eating samples at Panera!

Anna has been someone that I have lost weight alongside with.  Even though we aren't in the same place.  We have been losing around the same time.  We have been at about the same amount of pounds lost and about the same body mass.  And perhaps I do look like her and I just don't see it, but holy hell she looks smokin' and has lost 65 pounds.  Should I be comparing?  No.  And I know that.  As I tell my students, some people just get to their destinations faster.  But that doesn't mean that I am not jealous.  Because I am more jealous than I would have thought.  More proud of her than she could possibly know, but jealous.

BUT.... I think that it's almost a good jealous.  She reminds me that this is possible.  That it's not just Jennifer Hudson on TV.  I have my Weight Watchers friends that I see every week who look damn good too, but when you seem someone every week, you forget what the "old" them looks like.  But since I haven't seen Anna in (too many) years, I wouldn't have know.

Anna, NOW! 

So, in this standstill that I am in, I am hoping that Anna keeps me motivated.  That she is my reminder.  That I can join her at 65 pounds lost total.  And then perhaps then she will write an entry about me. :-)  For those of you that read this blog, I hope you have an Anna that keeps you motivated.  Someone that really is an inspiration AND a beautiful person in and out.

(p.s... I really do want to post about the word exercise... perhaps that will be my entry tomorrow.)

Not A Ghost or on the Darkside... Just Blah.

I got a comment on my blog last night from another blogger asking me where I have been.

"I keep looking... hoping for a post from you... have you fallen back to the darkside? Can I help? 
Thinking of you! Come back soon!"

For some reason it really struck me.  I know that, for my own sake, I have not been writing in my blog enough.  Not keeping myself responsible.  But I didn't really think about other people reading my blog and how they might feel if I didn't write.  Do people really even care if I write in my blog?

But the more important question... Why haven't I been writing?

As I wrote in my last entry, my priorities haven been altered recently.  What I am choosing to spend my limited amount of free time on has changed.  However, many nights I have sat down to write a post.  Knowing that I only had, at the max, 40 minutes before bed, I tried to pump out different posts.  My struggle always seemed to be, "Is what I am writing right now worth 40 minutes of my time?"  I feel that what I have wanted to say and the things I have wanted to write about were not interesting.  Jen once told me to not force an entry.  However, with that said, I truly cannot say for over a week I have had NOTHING to say.  I am sure that several of the posts that I have started WERE interesting enough to write about.  So that leads to the question... Am I embarrassed of my progress?  Am I embarrassed by some of the choices I have been making?  Is my weight loss plateau also affecting my blogging?

I think the answer to all the questions above is yes.  I am feeling frustrated with my life and with my progress at the moment and instead of taking ownership over it I am ignoring it.

I did lose .4 pounds this week, but truthfully, had I stayed to plan I could have lost more.  No questions.

So, here are my goals for this upcoming week:
1) Write in my blog 3 more times... Seriously!  This time I am going to!
2) For every cup of coffee or soda I drink, I will drink 8 oz of water.
3) Go to the gym 5 days of the 7 days.
4) Go back to emailing my personal trainer every day about my progress.
5) Be honest with myself about my priorities.

I guess I don't know what the point of this post is other than to help me get back on track.  Back on track with blogging... food... this journey... the community...

And you know what, I know I can do... I just have to prove to myself that I should be my first priority.  My life, my weight, my health, and my happiness... those should be my priorities.