Midnight Shenanigans

After hours of working, I decided no excuses means that even at midnight I should workout. Hopefully I will get up and workout in the morning as well. :)

Ch-Ch-Changes

 You know how some days you just FEEL pretty.  Girls, you know what I am talking about... The day where you sit in front of your photo booth and take pictures of yourself because you want others to see that you can look good.  Well, today is one of those days.  I sat down and I took some pics... and then I went through and looked back at my old pics taken on a day just like today.  And even though this week started out hard, looking at these pics just makes me realize, damn I have come a long way! :-)  I have a lot to celebrate.

Fall 2009

November 2009

January 2010

February 26, 2011

What a Good Day and Will Power Look Like!

Yesterday was an excellent day!!

Breakfast: 
Cereal with strawberries and bananas
Fruit Cup

Lunch: 
Salad with chicken
Sugar Snap Peas
Nectarine
Banana

Dinner: 
Half a buffalo chicken breast
Fries (shared with friends)
Carrots
2 Airheads

Snack in the bath: 
Sugar Snap Peas


Willpower kept me from eating: 
1) The whole buffalo chicken sandwich, it was gross.
2) The eggrolls on my desk
3) Pizza that I was serving to children
4) Capri Sun
5) The eggrolls when I got home and took a bath

Yes, I used flex points.  But yes, I also used will power! :-)  Feeling good.

Roller Coaster

On Monday when I posted the picture of my new shirt I was in the best mood.  I had the 160s, I was working out that day, I had had a great weekend... all in all, life was on the up and up. 

Tuesday I got on the scale with not so great results.  However, my friend Serina has told me over and over again that I should not let one bad weigh in get me down.  So, even though going up over a pound was not the happiest thing that I have ever seen, I realized that this is a JOURNEY.  It's not going to be easy and it's never over.  Just like Frodo in the Lord of the Rings.  Frodo's journey isn't ever over... he is always journeying.  And despite my gain, I wasn't in a bad mood.  I wasn't cranky and I had planned a good dinner.  I stopped at Dino's and ordered my chicken gyro with no cheese, no dressing, and additional vegetables.  I also got a similarly well planned gyro for my lunch on Wednesday.  By the time I actually got my food I was STARVING!  For one of my sides I ordered pita chips and hummus thinking that pita chips would be like the ones I get in the store.  However, when they came, they were deep fried and kinda gross.  But I was starving so I ate them anyways.  As I got close to class, the parking was AWFUL, I was getting frustrated and I ate the ENTIRE chicken gyro in like 2 minutes.  Class was frustrating as well and after class was over I ate 12 thin mint cookies!!  12!!!!! Arg! 

Feeling frustrated I decided that Wednesday was a new day. 

I got up early, went to Byerlys, and purchased salad, healthy cereal, and fruit.  I calculated my points and was convinced that Wednesday was going to be amazing.  I was doing a pretty good job until after lunch.  At this point I rediscovered the chocolate covered almonds under my desk.  After being so good in the morning, eating cereal and fruit and a salad for lunch, I ate 25 almonds... a total of 20 points, almost my daily total... well, that blew me way over my daily allotted points.  "Ok,"I thought, "This evening will be better." 

Off I went home, determined that I would workout and eat a healthy meal and get work done.  I made healthy chicken and it was delicious, I might add.  I used packaged spices to make chicken tikka masala and rice.  I didn't eat it all and was feeling good.  Full, but good.  THEN I looked at my "To Do" list... And the old Emily, the evil Emily, the Emily who honestly cannot control her eating habits took over.  I was feeling stressed about my Hamline classes, work, and other life stressers.  And I let the emotions control my choices... and the evil Emily, the stressed Emily, the Emily who I try so hard to hide, made a batch of rice krispie treats.  

Ok, you might be thinking to yourself, "How bad can those be for you?"  Well, let me tell you, one batch is 60 points!  60 points!!!! And I ate about 3 servings.  

I wish that I could say that I was proud that I didn't eat the entire pan like I used to, but I am not proud.  I am not proud of the decision I made and I didn't feel great either.  In fact, I feel ashamed about it.  And that is how I know that I had slipped into old ways.  The new and improved Emily normally lets these things roll off her back.  "Meh, I went over points, tomorrow is a new day."  But yesterday I felt SO sad and overwhelmed that I ate the old way.  And in one day, the FIRST day after my weigh in, I ate 29 flex points.  29 flex points!!! That's 28 more than I had planned to spend.  28 more than I would have wanted to spend... And I just felt stupid. 

I emailed my two WW friends a very sad and depressing message.  Last night I wanted to quit.  To throw in the towel and say f* this.  170 is good enough, why can't I quit now?  But, I think part of me honestly has been thinking those thoughts for a long time.  I look at women in the 140s and think that that would never be me.  That I will never look like that.  And I won't if I don't exercise and let each bad day make me throw the towel in.  I tell my students everyday that their journey to being able to read isn't going to be easy, but that they shouldn't throw the towel in when the going gets tough.  Why can't I take my own advice?

I truly did not want to blog about this.  I feel like all these thoughts, these moments are private moments that only I should have to live with.  That I am the only one in the world that feels this way.  And then I got an email back from my WW friend and it lifted by spirit.  And then JD made me laugh and it lifted my spirit. 

And the icing on the cake was when I went to PriorFatGirl.Com and read her post today.  Truly you should read it.  

So I am going to re-post something that a friend shared with her: 

"People ask me what it is about Priorfatgirl that inspires me so much. I really do not know her very well. I read her blog, but it is not the first one on my list.  But I look for strength in people. Strength is more than weight loss. It is more than writing down meals and going to the gym. It is the courage to put your life day in and day out in a blog for people to read. No matter how hard it gets."

And she said these words which prompted me to blog today: 

"You never know how your going to effect someone’s life just by fighting your own healthiness fight. Do not set out to inspire others. Do not blog to become popular or to make others proud. Do not make it your goal to be known for what you achieve. Instead, fight to be the best you can be. Fight to make yourself proud. Fight to be truly authentic. Because it is only when you truly do it for yourself that others will see your authenticity and be inspired."

I know this is a long post.  I know that it really might not make any sense at all to anyone else.  You may not have even made it this far in the story.  If you have, well, you deserve a medal. :-)  And if not, it's more for me.  To keep me honest.  To share these days.  To remind myself and others that no matter what, I am not alone and YOU are not alone.

Life is a roller coaster.  Cheesy, but true.  We have our ups and our downs, and occasionally our in-betweens.  However, I want to be like Frodo.  I want to keep journeying through this life... in search of the ring.  

 

New Shirt

:-)  Loving my NEW shirt from priorfatgirl.com!! You should totally go get one if you are on the same journey! PriorFatGirl Online Store!  Go check it out!

No Soda

I decided last week, but didn't really write about the fact that I have quit drinking soda again. :-)  I honestly think it something that is helping with my weight loss.  Last week I was in a good place on the scale and I hadn't had that much soda, but I had had a lot of water... And I had eaten like poo...  So, therefore, my conclusion was MORE WATER!  And that meant, peace out to soda.

So... this week begins week 2!  I think it's going to help!

Geeks+Games+Sitting=Weight Gain

Alright, for the last 3 days I went to a different kind of conference than last weekend.  This conference was FULL of dice, game boards, character sheets, and 6 hour long games.

Needless to say that I ate like crap, I wasn't moving, and I am feeling slightly bummed about it.  But as my good friend Serina always says, I can't let my crazy days influence the choices about food that I am making.  Don't get me wrong!  The conference was AWESOMELY fun!  I met a lot of new people, played a lot of fun games, bought some cool new gear, and got to watch my boyfriend in his element.  BUT, there is a common theme of largeness among the people at the convention and I can see why.  You don't move around much when you are gaming, you are sitting for LONG periods of time, and I wanted to keep awake so caffeine was a MUST.  So, coffee was being pounded back by me and regular (non-diet) soda was being pounded back by the people around me. 

All is all, when I stepped on the scale this morning it wasn't all that great... and by not that great, I mean NOT great, AT ALL!!!

So, back on track we go.  :-)

McDonald's Breakfast

At the moment I live between two houses.  My apartment with my wonderful roommates and my boyfriend's house.  Since I am 3 days in the apartment and four days in the house, it makes having and buying groceries very difficult.  This week was particularly bad because I was gone all weekend, so JD and I did not get the chance to go grocery shopping like we normally do.  When I do that, I can pack my lunches for all week and take food that I have made to the apartment when I stay there.

Anyways, this week I have not really had food, so I have had to purchase a lot of food on the go, which I hate.  I have been getting that McDonald's oatmeal without the cream and the cranberries, which is only 5 points.  This morning, however, I decided since I have extra points for today I would get a bagel with eggs and cheese.  I figured it would be a treat for me!  Well, I feel AWFUL.  I feel like I swallowed a stone and it is just sitting in my stomach.  It does not feel good at all.  So, here I am blogging about it so that I can remember next time I do not want to get it.  The old Emily's stomach could take it.  The new and improved Emily's stomach does not like it at all.  Yuck.

VICTORY!!

One hundred sixty eight point six!

168.6!!!

I AM IN THE 160s!!!!!

:-) 

Woop baby woop!!

This week, keeping up the success!

Letter to my Fat

Dear Fat,

This is to inform you that your lease is coming to an end and that it is time for you to vacate the premises. We’ve had a long-term arrangement, you and I, even friendly at times, but all good things must come to an end, and it is now time for this working relationship to end.

You have brought neighborhood property values down, and have polluted the neighborhood for the last time! You are no longer wanted here and must leave.

Please pack up your bags and prepare to be evicted.

Sincerely Yours,

Management

**Taken from Priorfatgirl.com

BEST WORKOUT EVER!

Last post today, I SWEAR!

After coming home from the conference, I knew that I HAD to work out tonight.  However, I didn't want to do my zumba video, I didn't want to do my Dancing with the Stars video, or my Biggest Loser video. 

I have had the Rhianna song, S and M, in my head for 3 days.  So, instead of working out, I just started to dance.  I danced and danced and danced... I danced to S and M, Hey Baby, Bad Romance, Cotton Eyed Joe, Living in America, and S and M (3 times total).

It was SWEET dancing.  A combination of jumping, country line dancing, kick boxing, zumba, jazzercise, Hugh Grant from Love Actually, and a 4 year old watching Sesame Street... I danced like no one was watching, because no one was... and it was incredible.

Not only am I sweating, but I have a smile that goes from ear to ear.  Stress relieved... check!

And to end it, a 45 second plank!  2 years ago, not even imaginable... 2011, possible!

Courage

I wrote in my last entry about a friend that emailed me this weekend.  I am stealing her words and posting them here because I think that they are very true...

"Losing weight isn't just losing weight, it is the courage to show up every week and get on that scale.  Sometimes eager to see the number that pops up and sometimes loathing the experience and wishing it could be avoided while knowing avoiding it is what got us to WW in the first place." 

Thank you to my friends, you know who you are... You give me the courage.

Small Victories

I had the most amazing weekend.  I was in Washington DC for the Teach For America 20th Anniversary Summit.   Not only was it truly an amazingly inspiring weekend, filled with speeches that make me want to run out and fight for the education revolution, but it left me SUPER excited to be a part of the Teach For America community.

It was amazing how many people commented on how good I look and how many people told me that they read this blog! :-)  Amazing.  I honestly didn't think that anyone would want to hear my musings about weight loss.

I also got an email from a certain person from my WW group that really made me feel good.  She told me that I was her inspiration.  Well, you know who you are, I hope you know that YOU are my inspiration. :-)

So, I know what you are really reading for is my results from this weekend.... well... it wasn't very good.  It was hard.  REALLY hard.  There was delicious food all over.  And a lot of the time I didn't get any choice.  I know that I didn't make the best choices and I did spend a lot of time obsessing about it.  But, nothing I can do about it at this point.

You must be thinking... "Emily, you called this entry small victories, where is the victory?"  Well, the victory wasn't this weekend on a whole, because OH BOY, there was no victory there.

Today was not the best of days.  There was a small incident that really upset me.  I was at the airport, upset, crying, and near a McDonalds.  I had already eaten breakfast (eggs, yogurt) and had been pretty good, but then I was offered a bagel.  I decided that would be my lunch.  Normally, this kind of promise to myself would not hold because I was upset.  However, despite the McDonalds right next to me, and all the people eating it... I held strong and DID NOT eat any McDonalds.  I drank a large diet coke, munched on a bit of jerky, and that was it.  It may not seem like much, but for me... that is DEFINITELY a small victory.

I already know that Tuesday's weigh in is not going to be great.  Not much I can really do about that at this point.  I will just know that I had a great time and it's time to get back on the wagon.  As I learned this weekend, for both education reform and my weight loss journey, a new tomorrow starts today.

Accountable

So, the last two days have been AWFUL.  School has been exceptionally difficult and life has just been hard.  And my eating has been well... terrible.  More than half my flex GONE already.

And tomorrow I head to a conference in DC...

I have been sitting here and feeling mopey and blaming everything but myself.  As I have previously mentioned, I really have no will power.  My friend Serina said this in her blog, "Today I choose to STAY STRONG when I FEEL WEAK.  Food is something I CAN control in my life and work/car issues I CAN'T." I know that I need to adopt that mentality.  I can always say, "Oh, well today was bad so it was ok.  Or this weekend is going to be super busy so it's ok."  But really, this is life.  It isn't always going to be wide open days, healthy food, and good moods.

Tomorrow is a new day... and conference or not... I will be making good choices.

Dear Wagon

Dear Wagon,

Please come back.  I have fallen and cannot get back on.

Love,
Emily

Love to my WW Group

When I started WW a year ago... whew that seems SO long ago... I went to the Weight Watchers in Highland Park.  And while it clearly did what it was supposed to, get me on board, get to me lose weight, and motivate me to make huge changes by giving me star stickers... the group itself didn't motivate me.  I will never forget Kim, the leader who really got me on my way, who gave me hugs, cheered for me and with me, and told me I should keep my boyfriend around when I told her that by our second week of dating he had stocked his freezer with weight watchers treats.  Dear Kim, I will never forget you, and thank you.

With all that said, the rest of the meeting I could have done without.  I never talked to the people around me, except for a girl and her maid of honor about my age, but even them I didn't connect with. 

Not many people believe in fate, but I do. When JD and I started dating, I noticed there was a Weight Watchers 2 minutes from his house.  If you know me at all, you know that I am a creature of habit and compulsion.  I use the same stall in every bathroom I go to, I sit in the same seat at the dinner table, and I like to have things in order.  Well, because of this I was 100% resistant to going to a new meeting location.  However, one fateful Tuesday evening, I had an event at school and I had to go the Weight Watchers by JD's house instead of mine.  From the very beginning of the meeting I knew that I would never go to another meeting again as long as I could help it.

The people at this meeting, the loud, semi-inappropriate, wonderful, caring, and supportive people at this meeting, have become my rock.  The people who I bank on seeing every Tuesday to keep me going.  The people who will help me up from the floor when I feel as though I can't go on anymore.  The people who are going through the same journey as I am.  And like all things, I have my seat where I like to sit, but it isn't the seat that's important, but the people that surround me.  So, my Tuesday crew, I want you to know that I wouldn't be where I am without you. Thank you for that. 

Success

Yesterday was a good day.  Short and sweet, here is why...

Went to the movie.  Ate NO snacks.  Had a large diet coke.
Went to the bowling alley.  Ate a clementine on the way.  Ate NO snacks.  Had a diet coke.
Came home and played board games.  Drank a huge glass of water.

Yes, my friends... that is success! :-)

UPDATE

After my last post.  I indeed went and did Zumba for 40 mins! :-)

How bad DO I want it? REALLY BAD! :-)

Not Doing the Work

Last evening I had a dream about overeating.  No joke!  In my dream I knew that I as well over my points and yet I keep eating this VERY greasy and fattening Chinese food.  And the whole time I was tracking it as 5 points because I was manipulating the weight watchers book and finding the number that pleased me most.  Well obviously this is a CLASSIC anxiety dream.  I woke up, thought long and hard about what I ate for dinner, and thought thank god.

However, it is a year into my weight loss journey, my big life change.  And the change is apparent.  Except, like anything that has been stagnant for a while, I am starting to get frustrated.  Life is getting busy and the temptation to eat out is greater.  Also, my time for working out is much less.  Two weeks ago, I didn't mean to, but I think in my head, I said f* it.  I went out to dinner with some friends at Applebees.  I picked out my entree after scrutinizing the menu, and it was a solid weight watchers choice.  But when the buffalo wings came, I decided that since I didn't have the points plus value, I would just eat as many as I wanted, with as much sauce as I wanted.  And then JD and I split dessert (two ss, because unlike being ALONE in the desert with only 1 s, you do want TWO servings of dessert... fun trick to remember).  Well, I didn't just split dessert, I devoured a good portion of it.  You would have thought that I hadn't ever eaten a cookie with ice cream before.  I think subconsciously I felt frustrated at always making choices, at not getting to eat all the crap that I used to eat, mad at the world that I ever got as big as I had in the first place... Just a hot mess.  Well, on the scale, what I thought would be a .5 gain was a 2 pound gain!  2 f*ing pounds!!  Forgive the obscenities, but seriously?  That was more that I gained at Christmas, as I have mentioned.  And nothing but devastation set in.  And for the first time in this year of ups and downs, I truly thought to myself, "Maybe I should quit." 

I didn't stay for the meeting because I had other places I had to be.  And I didn't want to sit there next to all my friends who had lost weight.  So, I walked out.  I sat in my car and I cried.  I also threw my scale in the snow, but that is a story for another day.

I have sat and tried to rationalize this two pound gain for 2 weeks.  Well, I was sick with my sinus infection and I couldn't work out.  I was stressed with work.  I was feeling crappy about other things.

Dear Emily, it has been at least 5 days since your sinus infection got better, what is your excuse now?

This morning I got up to read Priorfatgirl.com.  (Something that has been my inspiration for the past week.  One of the women on the site Amanda, has had the journey that is VERY similar to mine.  She started at 219 and ended at 149.  I started at 213 and I will end at 143. http://www.priorfatgirl.com/about/priorfatgirl-amanda )

Anyhow, this morning I woke up to read the newest priorfatgirl postings, and for the first time I really read Jen's story about her journey.  And something she said REALLY struck me...

"For years, I used every excuse that I’m sure some of you have used.

• “I don’t have time to work-out”
• “I can’t afford it”
• “Dieting is unrealistic”
• “I tried a diet once, it didn’t work”
• “It’s just genetics that I’m like this”
• “I’m single and live alone, if I buy all that healthy food, it will just go to waste”

Guess what? These are all excuses. They make you feel better so that way you don’t have to do the hard work. They give you a reason not to do something. Its called “rationalizing.”
....


Everything you hear those nutty nutritionist’s say – DO IT…they actually know what they are talking about! It hard – it is a pain in the ass. But guess what? It works! I work out about 5-6 days a week. Yep, it sounds like a lot – but if you want to be healthy (“skinny”) then you have to do the work. If you want something bad enough, you will do the work.
If you are right now reading this and saying to yourself “okay – whatever, I don’t have time to work out that much” then you know what? stop reading. Just stop right now. If you do not want to work out and you do not want to eat healthy then FINE! Stop complaining and wasting everyone’s time, save yourself the frustration and embarressment of failing and stay the way you are. I know, that was kind of harsh – huh? Reality. Welcome to the real world. Life is hard If you want something, you will have to do the work to get it. I am a real person. I did this by myself. I am real, what I did was real, and you can do this too!"

I have been sitting here thinking about that quote since I read it.  "If you want something bad enough, you will do the work."  When I started, I did SO much work.  I worked out, I ate REALLY healthy meals, I didn't use all my flex points.  And now I am at a place where I am coasting, but not doing the work.  This begs the question, how bad DO I want it?  I have less than 45 days before Florida, and 4 months before I am at Institute where I can't cook my food.  So, now is the time to kick it in gear.  I DO want this bad, now I have to do the work.

I woke up this morning thinking I was going to write some post about the tragedy of only getting eat one bowl of Lucky Charms, but leaving this post feel revitalized to get off my a** and do something.

This is my life and I only get one.

Today

Breakfast: 7 points
Lunch: 14 points
Snack: 13 points
Dinner: 19 points

Well, not the best day I've had.  But, I won't feel guilty because those were the choices I made today.  I used many of my flex points, and tomorrow is a new day to rock out.

This is NOT a diet, it is a lifestyle change.

Weigh In, Willpower, and The Biggest Loser

Well, here I am.  Sitting in front of the TV watching the Biggest Loser.  Sometimes when I watch this show I really wish that I could be on the show.  I want someone to be kicking my rear end.  It's amazing hearing people talk about their journey, how they got to where they are, and where they want to go.  Not a joke, I become a blubbering fool when I watch.  And it keeps me motivated.

But I know that's not why you are reading.  I am sure you are on the edge of your seat waiting to hear the results of my weigh in.  Well, after last weeks tear-inducing, 2 pound gain (more than my 2 week cookie eating binge at Christmas), it was of the utmost importance to my life to lose this week.  And although I am not back to my lowest, I did lose 1.6 pounds... and thank goodness for that.  So, my goal for this week is to lose that much again and get into the 160s.  I mean REALLY... the 160s!!!! I have not been there since my junior year of high school.  So this week, it is GO time.  I mean, can you imagine looking at the scale and seeing 160.  Ok, you get it... I can't wait.

However, there does seem to be this little devil standing in my way every week.  That Devil's name is WILLPOWER.  Damn her.  JD teases me that I have no willpower in life.  Not with money, not with food, not with helping people, not with anything... Which, I have to agree with.  Today was one of those times when I should have had better willpower, but when it comes time to make a decision, I honestly feel like I can't help it.  I once attended an OA meeting.  For those of you who don't know, that's overeaters anonymous.  While this is something that I feel somewhat embarrassed about, it's almost weird to think back on that one-time event.  I realize now that maybe I should have continued going to meetings.  I don't think that I have an addiction to food, because in this department I have come  a LONGGGG way.  But perhaps I could have started this journey a bit earlier. 

I figured out the other day, from September 2009-December 2009 I ate at least 39 points a morning FOR BREAKFAST!!!!  And that was all my complete lack of willpower.  And while I am getting better at saying NO to myself when I truly DO NOT need the extra food, it is really hard for me.  When I am faced with decisions about impulse eating (on the spot food choices) I have proven that I can't always make the best choices.  And after I have chosen, I feel yucky, and I wish I hadn't.

Today, is the perfect example.  While I decided not to get the 17 point BK Chicken Sandwich (YAY Angel on one shoulder), I did ingest the ENTIRE rice krispie bar and regular pasta bowl from Noodles, a total of 33 points (BOO Devil called willpower or lack thereof).  But trying to stay positive it was not the best, but better than had I also eaten the BK sandwich which the OLD Emily would have eaten.  What was my deep, meaningful point here?  Not sure, but lack of willpower was just something that was on my mind today.

So, here is to another week.  Another week of watching the intake,  making choices, and writing down EVERY BLT (bite, lick, or taste).  Another week of getting up and moving.  Making sure that I am getting at least 10,000 steps a day.  And making sure to work out at least 3 times this week.  I am going to approach this week with confidence, excitement, and the plan to kick some serious ass.