I am feeling so disappointed in myself at the moment. This is the part of this process that I feel that I have not mastered yet. I haven't figured out how to be mentally in a healthy place with this lifestyle. I am not mentally able to deal with snags in the road. I have such a negative relationship with food and I haven't figured out how to get myself in a good place even when I make mistakes.
This weekend was a perfect example. I did not do as well as I had hoped. I gained back the pound I lost and I just can't feel ok with it. Not that I should feel happy about it, but I can't stop feeling TERRIBLE about it. Not just frustrated, but TERRIBLE. I just feel defeated and sad about my ability to do this. I am angry at myself for my choices this weekend. First of all, I should have spent more time mentally preparing myself for a change in my routine. This is when I have the hardest time. I can't seem to make as great of choices. Secondly, I can't seem to get myself back on track and stop feeling badly about my choices.
I KNOW that this is not healthy for me. I KNOW that this can't be how I think about this process. I KNOW that this is not the right mindset for really making a life change. I KNOW that this is not going to help me keep this mindset change.
I also feel guilty and terrible for not going to the gym today. I was supposed to go. I should have gone. But I didn't.
I know I should be thinking about solutions to my problems and focusing on my successes, but I can't seem to get myself there. BAH. This may all be too much and it may seem like whining. But I can't imagine that I am not the only one who has felt this way. I can't imagine I am the only one who has felt defeated.
So, I guess there is that. Not sure what the outcome of this post is, but it's truthfully on my mind and something that is stressing me out.
This week I am going to put post-it notes all around the house with the number 145 on them!!! That's my goal and I think it should be EVERY where in the house! :-) EVERYWHERE!! I am also going to put it in my calendars and on my desk! I am going to get there and I will have REMINDERS everywhere!!!!
The upcoming weeks are going to be a challenge for me. I can't seem to get my mindset correct and I am starting to really get on a schedule for working out. And getting ready for school. And going to workshops! On Tuesday I am going to dinner with my friend Shelby and I am hoping she is going to help me make a plan for how I can through this all. And not just get through it, but get to a better mental state.
So this might not have been the most coherent or uplifting post, but I guess that is what this blog is for. To tell the truth and talk about things that I sometimes don't want to admit out loud.
That's all for now. More later.