Many Different Thoughts

Feeling Disappointed
I am feeling so disappointed in myself at the moment.  This is the part of this process that I feel that I have not mastered yet.  I haven't figured out how to be mentally in a healthy place with this lifestyle.  I am not mentally able to deal with snags in the road.  I have such a negative relationship with food and I haven't figured out how to get myself in a good place even when I make mistakes. 

This weekend was a perfect example.  I did not do as well as I had hoped.  I gained back the pound I lost and I just can't feel ok with it.  Not that I should feel happy about it, but I can't stop feeling TERRIBLE about it.  Not just frustrated, but TERRIBLE.  I just feel defeated and sad about my ability to do this.  I am angry at myself for my choices this weekend.  First of all, I should have spent more time mentally preparing myself for a change in my routine.  This is when I have the hardest time.  I can't seem to make as great of choices.  Secondly, I can't seem to get myself back on track and stop feeling badly about my choices. 

I KNOW that this is not healthy for me.  I KNOW that this can't be how I think about this process.  I KNOW that this is not the right mindset for really making a life change.  I KNOW that this is not going to help me keep this mindset change. 

I also feel guilty and terrible for not going to the gym today.  I was supposed to go.  I should have gone.  But I didn't. 

I know I should be thinking about solutions to my problems and focusing on my successes, but I can't seem to get myself there.  BAH.  This may all be too much and it may seem like whining.  But I can't imagine that I am not the only one who has felt this way.  I can't imagine I am the only one who has felt defeated.

So, I guess there is that.  Not sure what the outcome of this post is, but it's truthfully on my mind and something that is stressing me out.

Post-It Notes 
This week I am going to put post-it notes all around the house with the number 145 on them!!! That's my goal and I think it should be EVERY where in the house! :-)  EVERYWHERE!!  I am also going to put it in my calendars and on my desk!  I am going to get there and I will have REMINDERS everywhere!!!!

Upcoming Weeks 
The upcoming weeks are going to be a challenge for me.  I can't seem to get my mindset correct and I am starting to really get on a schedule for working out.  And getting ready for school.  And going to workshops!  On Tuesday I am going to dinner with my friend Shelby and I am hoping she is going to help me make a plan for how I can through this all.  And not just get through it, but get to a better mental state.

So this might not have been the most coherent or uplifting post, but I guess that is what this blog is for.  To tell the truth and talk about things that I sometimes don't want to admit out loud.

That's all for now.  More later.

Happy Sunday!