I Really Want To Snack...

But instead I am blogging.  Right now I am having one of those moments.  You may have had one of these before, or perhaps not.  I have these moments a lot.  They are one of my biggest downfalls.  And I truly mean one of my biggest downfalls.  It's embarrassing to admit that I can obsess about food.  Not just kind of obsess, but have my mind completely consumed with the thought of food.  COMPLETELY consumed with the thought of food.  It's like I cannot think about anything else, at all.  When I was working my desk job, sometimes the thought of what I was going to eat for lunch was all that got me through the day.  Sometimes, as I have learned, my thoughts about food are entirely unhealthy.

The other night when I went out to dinner with my friend Shelby.  We talked about our goals and eating.  We also talked about challenges.  I started to tell her about my negative relationship with food, which I know I have mentioned on the blog before.  I really struggle with this relationship.

Since our conversation I have really been thinking a lot about this negative relationship.  Back in high school I had an eating disorder.  It's not something that I talk about a whole lot.  It's embarrassing.  People make judgements about you.  And also, it contributed to my current size.  It was a part of my journey in life, and ultimately has also made me who I am today.  However, I don't like to relive it because it was a hard time for me and when I look back on those photos I realize how unhealthy my choices were.

Now, I do not struggle with the eating disorder I had back in high school, thank goodness.  However, clearly, I still have a hard time with food.  Right now is the PERFECT example.  I am not hungry.  Not in the slightest.  In fact, I am already WAY over my points.  I used 14 flex points today.  Regardless, I am not hungry.  Despite this, all my mind can think about at the moment is Lucky Charms.  Delicious Lucky Charms with skim milk and a banana.

Image via Flickr, At The End Of The Rainbow, by Kate Shepard

Yup.  Those little marshmallows combined with the delicious cheerio like pieces, floating in milk.  I hope that if you have made it this far that you aren't thinking I am a total freak.  Because truthfully, I sometimes think that about myself.  Who gets so fixated on food that they can't do anything else? Apparently, I do.  And, as I was telling Shelby, when I get this fixation I make up all sorts of crazy illogical excuses about why it's ok to have that food.  I can make up all kinds of crazy reasons that justify my eating that food.  However, they are really just THAT... excuses.

I don't need Lucky Charms right now.  I shouldn't have them.  And tomorrow, I will be more glad that I didn't eat them than if I had eaten them.  Yes, I can say these things to you with complete confidence because that it makes it a bit easier. AND, I know that if I do eat it, I will also feel super guilty later.  Again, unhealthy.  So, instead, I am blogging.  Hoping that I can get over these thoughts about the Lucky Charms.

So, there you have it.  Another one of my blog posts that is hard for me to admit, but is ultimately helping me in my journey.  And that's really what this blog is all about.  In the time that it has taken me to write this post, I have gotten sleepy enough that I can brush my teeth and go to bed.  WITHOUT eating!!! Willpower baby!

I hope that some of you can relate to my story.  Or have had one of these moments before.  Any suggestions about what you do to get past cravings or thoughts about food.... I would love them!

Happy ALMOST Friday! :-)