Thursday, November 3, 2011

Flying Like A Bird Without Embarrassment

Flying Like  A Bird 
"Emily, you are a mover, not a dancer.  That's why you should always be in the back."

When I was in high school I wanted to be a musical theater performer.  For me, there was nothing in the world that would make me feel more alive... Make me smile with complete joy!  Singing and dancing on stage.  Light on my face.  Theater people around me.  Getting to express emotion and beauty through art.  Seriously, there was nothing better.

I took jazz from a nearby, reputable dance company by my house.  I knew I wasn't the best dancer in the world.  But I loved it more than anything.  Dancing would instantaneously make me smile... fill me with glee.  I noticed one day that I was always in the back of our dance formations.  I asked my teacher why it was that I was always in the back.  She responded with, "Emily, you are a mover, not a dancer.  That's why you should always be in the back." 

I don't think people always know how their words are going to effect people.  Well, these words stung like a knife and have stayed with me since then.  "You're a mover, not a dancer." 

The last couple months I have had the AMAZING pleasure of being in Children of Eden.  It has been an all around INCREDIBLE experience.  The cast and crew are phenomenal and I have had a blast.  In addition the life-changing experience based on the people, I have had a huge revelation.

This is what I now know.  You won't see me on Broadway tomorrow, but I am more than JUST a mover.  I have gotten compliments in Zumba in the last couple of weeks.  I spend time practicing the choreography in my living room.  I feel REALLY good about myself.  And all it took was for someone to believe in me as a dancer. And that is EXACTLY what Kayla, the choreographer did.  I was put in two dance numbers that I never thought I would be able to do.  I thought that she was crazy and that the audience members would for sure pick me out as the OBVIOUS non-dancer.  And this may be true... However, Kayla gave me a gift.  In one of the dances I get LIFTED... LIFTED!!!!! IN THE AIR!!!! BY A DANCE PARTNER!!!!!  And whether or not I look the best of everyone is not the point.  I am small enough, confident enough, READY enough, to be lifted in the air! :-)  I feel like a bird when it happens.  When Logan lifts me up in the air I feel like nothing could touch me.  I want to hang on to that feeling forever.

Kayla gave me the gift of confidence and the power to take back the words... Screw you!  I AM a dancer AND a mover.  And I will shake my groove thing until the cows come home.

I am in blue! 

So while the first half of this post is uplifting, this next part is not as exciting.  Let me just share with the world that I have eaten 70+ points for the past two nights.  For those of you who aren't weight watchers and don't know what that means, it is a lot.  I get 29 points a day and 49 extra points for the week.  That means in 2 days I have eaten 4 days worth of food AND my flex.  SERIOUSLY?!  Who does that??!!

Here's the thing about it.  After I have eaten it all, I don't feel GOOD... I don't feel like it was worth it.  And then I feel slightly depressed that I ate it. And I am sneak eating, I am shoving food, and not for any good reason other than I can... But I don't need to.  And EVERY time I do I feel yucky.

I SOS'ed my weight watchers ladies.  I got some fantastic messages back.  But one that stuck with me.  For the past 5 days I have felt like the old Emily... Eating like SHE did... Well, one of my fantastic ladies sent me a text that said,

"F*** what is done.  Make new choices starting now and you will feel better.  Make good choices in a row and the harder choices you made in the past lose their grip.  Tomorrow is a new day and that doesn't mean that you inhale more sh** tonight.  Be nice to yourself or I will the old Em's a**." 

AMAZING!!!! :-)  Seriously!!! :-)  Exactly what I needed.

All 3 of my ladies told me that we all make mistakes.  And that's true.  And I can't just let everything else slip or beat myself because of that.  Thank you my dears... you are very important to me.

This is a marathon, not a sprint.  I just need to start again NOW.  Right NOW.    Not tomorrow, not the next day, but NOW!!!!

So, that's what I am doing.  Loving my ladies.  Loving my life.  Loving me.  I WILL not throw this away now.  I WILL not let food own me.  I WILL not let 2 days of not-great choices ruin what is going to be a fantastically wonderful weekend!!!! :-)

And if any of you live by and you feel inclined... COME WATCH ME BE A DANCER! :-)


  1. So, I have yet to tell you, but I joined WW 3 weeks ago to try to lose the last 7.5 pounds to reach my goal weight (the weight I was when I was 21; I am now 30). I am happy to report that since I started WW, I've dropped 2.4 pounds and am even closer to my goal weight! It's a great plan, and reading your blog helped nudge me in the direction of trying it out.

    I thought I heard in a meeting that 29 is the minimum points someone gets each day. That's what I get. Do you really only get 20, or was that a keystroke error? 20 would be *really* hard to maintain...

    I always wanted to be a dancer, too! And, zumba has helped me feel like I am one as well! This post really makes me want to see your show. I will check my calendar against your remaining dates and hope I can make it!

    Thanks for your posts, Emily. They help keep me motivated!

    (Your OV Soprano Buddy On Leave)

  2. If we're not the dancers in the family, who is? Can't wait to see you in just a couple weeks!

  3. Hi there Emily! I was recently connected to your blog and I think you have done and are doing so wonderfully! I'm so glad that you were able to reach out and get help from your support team after going over your points and feeling awful about it. They were right on track with giving you advice! I also really could identify with your "F* it Mondays"...when I used to count points (now its calories), if I had maybe 1 or 2 points left at the end of the day..and I wasn't hungry..if I just let them be, not eat them...I'd be fine...they'd just be 2 extra points left over that day. But, some days...those f* it days, I'd eat those last two points..and I'd feel like, "Oh my god! I have no points left! I'm not allowed to eat anything..and I'm staaaarving and I need to eat!" Literally, my brain would tell me that..and I'd say "F* it, if I'm hungry I'm gonna eat" and I'd eat crap since I wasn't going to count it anyway, since I was out of points. I realized it was a control thing...I was in control as long as I had points. This doesn't seem to happen with calories...because I have a calorie range and its easier to see calories in calories out with workouts and stuff for me. But I wanted to let you know that just because we f* it one day, doesnt' mean we can't just get back on the wagon the next, that's what I did!