However, recently I have been having this conversation with many of my friends. I truly believe that just like alcohol or drugs, food can be an addiction. There are SO many days I feel like I am fighting with the voice in my head who is justifying actions that I don't want to take... justifying why I HAVE to have the food in front of me.
"Emily, you can just start again next week."
"You will enjoy this food a lot."
"Tomorrow is a new day."
"It's a special weekend, don't worry about it."
"A couple bites doesn't hurt."
Seriously, I think my brain can help convince me to do anything. And it doesn't take that much. All I have to do is think about the food for a split second. Just the thought of the food will get me to fixate on it. To justify. To eat it. And if I don't? I find myself dwelling on it. Thinking about it. Itching for it. Unable to focus on what I am supposed to be doing. Thinking about how delicious the food would taste. How much better my life would be if I had the food. And the rational part of my brain loses the fight, and the irrational, hungry part of my brain takes over. And sometimes I give in... And I feel guilty... and I sometimes track... And usually the grumbling in my stomach reminds me that it wasn't worth it...
I know it sounds like I am whining. But when I lose the rational fight I feel so ashamed that I cannot control it. That I don't always have enough willpower to fight off my thoughts.
I am not a religious person at all, however, when I went to the couple OA meetings I went to I loved listening to the serenity prayer.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
...
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen."
There are many pieces of it that I find to be true. It does me no good to sit here and focus on my struggles if I don't have a plan of action to try and change it. Courage to the change the things I can. That's what I need to do. Change the things I can and be ok with the trip-ups on the way.
Several months ago there was a blog post by another heath blogger that I loved. She talked about her cycle. Her struggle. She ends the post by saying, the cycle ends today. I know that my cycle has to change, but I also know that in order for that to happen I need to:
1) Ask for help when I need it.
2) Be ok when I do slip up
3) Be able to get back on the wagon as soon as possible
4) Be honest with myself about my struggles
Like most of my posts I am not sure what the moral of this post is. I am not sure that I have a specific point that I want to make. However, whether or not it is a REAL diagnosis, I will continue to think of strategies to help me change the things I can.
oh emily. i think you're just wonderful. you write (so well) the thoughts of all of us who are learning a new way of being in the land of food. i would point out to you though, that you have an AWARENESS you didn't have before. now i KNOW when i'm eating for emotional reasons. now i KNOW when i'm eating more than i NEED to, and so do you!! it's a big deal. and you're right, it's a way of life. pounds will come and go... the awareness is the big change. it's the big thing. keep that alive, with your spirit!!! xoxo
ReplyDeleteHi Emily,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I find you blog inspiring and it has helped me out a lot. Second, I totally get what you are saying in this post. Recently, as I have finally told my doctors about my issues with food, they diagnosed me as having a binge eating disorder which stems from an addiction to sugar. I often think people who overeat get overlooked and seen as weak, when it is an addiction like any other.
I am glad to see you are doing so well. Thanks for the inspiration!