Back on the Wagon in Pictures

Last week did not go well.  I went up almost 4 pounds and felt AWFUL all week!  After our WW meeting on Tuesday and dinner with Shelby (we talked shop a lot!  she gave me a lot of ideas!), I decided I wanted to seriously get back on the wagon this week.  So, as of today, I am back on!  I am showing you proof in pics!  Enjoy!!

Planning for the week.  Obstacles, workouts, and my grocery list. 

Today's Tracker. 

My groceries!!!

Chobani Yogurt!  3 or 4 points! 

Annie's Dressing.  2 tbsp=1 point OR 2 tbsp=4 points

MorningStar sausages!  Some good protein for only 2 points! 

Prepping for my salads!

3 salads for 3 days!  With the tbsp of dressing it's only 1 point! 

Salads ready!

Bags of peppers!

Bags of grapes! 

My sweet boyfriend helping count out crackers!! Gotta <3 a supportive boyfriend. 

Crackers-- Each bag only 3 points a piece.

Pirates Booty-- Each bag only 3 points a piece.

My Weight Watcher shelf ready to go for the upcoming weeks!  

Tomorrow all planned!  Dinner at Olive Garden Included! 

Super excited for the week ahead!  I WILL stay on plan!  I CAN do this!

What I Am Thankful For

So, around this time of year I get super stressed.  Every holiday has a focus on food.  Cookies, cakes, potatoes, pies, Thai food... Yes, it's that time... Where food is everywhere you look!

However, instead of writing about food on this Wednesday before Thanksgiving, I thought I would write about what I am thankful for.   As my students were writing about what they are thankful for, it really made me think about my life, what I have, and how lucky I am!

On a big scale I am thankful for:

• My Family 
• My boyfriend 
• The Children of Eden experience and the people I met
• One Voice Mixed Chorus 
• My weight watchers friends 
• My work friends 
• My Team 3/4 family 
• My healthiness journey
• My passion for working with children 
• My Teach For America/Institute friends 
• The friends who I have stayed in touch with since high school and college 

As far as my healthiness journey.  I am thankful that:

• I wear size 8 or 10 pants 
• I don't loath clothing shopping 
• I can wear more form fitting outfits 
• I can run a 5K
• I can do zumba without a struggle 
• I can get ready to go out with out crying 
• I feel confident in how I look 

Last year at this time I was feeling super great about how I look.  However, looking back, I have come a long way even since then!  :-)  For that I am also thankful.  My belief in myself and the change in my eating patterns! 

Thanksgiving 2010

Thanksgiving-ish 2011

This Thanksgiving I am going to try and focus on my family, spending quality time with them, and not on the food... :-)  This Holiday time I want to think about the things that I am thankful for and make choices so that this time next year I continue to be thankful for these things (and my healthiness)!! 

Changing Behaviors and My Choir Tour

The past couple weeks have been pretty terrible as far as eating is concerned.  I have been going through some mid-life "crisis" type feelings, despite the fact that I am not really in the middle of my life and it's not really a crisis.  Nonetheless, the uncertainty of my life path and the ending of a life-changing experience has caused my eating patterns to go wacky.  I still lost .6 pounds last week, but I truly think it was a fluke.  My eating habits have been just awful.

Needless to say, I was very nervous about the eating habits on my choir tour this weekend!  Choir tour is one of my favorite parts of the fall.  We get to shove on a two buses, ride to some city in far away Minnesota, sing for audiences, and hang with amazing people.  As you can well imagine, a bus ride warrants TONS of snacks!  My favorites in the past have included twizzlers, combos, chex mix, muffins.  Those sorts of foods. 

This year I went in prepared.  I packed only weight watchers snacks or snacks that I had counted the point value.  I went with the intention that I might go over my points a bit, but my goal was to be a better eater than I was in the past.  To not snack or purposely pick the most unhealthy food because of the f* it mentality.  That has been my big downfall lately.  Just saying f* it when the going is getting tough. 

My snacks!

Giving people cheese but not eating ANY!

However, I did an amazingly good job!  I did go over points, but I feel really good about the choices I made.  I DIDN'T snack AT ALL on the bus today and on the way up I did very little snacking!  Today I took all the bread off of my turkey club and made it into a lettuce wrap.  And I chose to make the whole weekend about the people and the music, and NOT about the food like I have in the past. 

Note the bread on the side that was NOT eaten!

I had an amazing weekend.  Was I perfect with my eating?  No.  Am I starting to figure out that this is a marathon and not a sprint?  Yes. 

I am proud of myself for this weekend and I know that as we head into Thanksgiving I am giving myself the tools for success!  And additionally, I am beginning to really realize how lucky I am for the experiences and people in my life.  :-)  More posts this week. 

My new HOT dress!

Happy Sunday!

Addicted To Food

So, you maybe looking at the title of this post and saying, "Um, yah... aren't we all."

However, recently I have been having this conversation with many of my friends.  I truly believe that just like alcohol or drugs, food can be an addiction.  There are SO many days I feel like I am fighting with the voice in my head who is justifying actions that I don't want to take... justifying why I HAVE to have the food in front of me.

"Emily, you can just start again next week." 


"You will enjoy this food a lot." 


"Tomorrow is a new day." 


"It's a special weekend, don't worry about it." 


"A couple bites doesn't hurt."


Seriously, I think my brain can help convince me to do anything.  And it doesn't take that much.  All I have to do is think about the food for a split second.  Just the thought of the food will get me to fixate on it.  To justify.  To eat it.  And if I don't?  I find myself dwelling on it.  Thinking about it.  Itching for it.  Unable to focus on what I am supposed to be doing.  Thinking about how delicious the food would taste. How much better my life would be if I had the food.  And the rational part of my brain loses the fight, and the irrational, hungry part of my brain takes over.  And sometimes I give in... And I feel guilty... and I sometimes track... And usually the grumbling in my stomach reminds me that it wasn't worth it...

I know it sounds like I am whining.  But when I lose the rational fight I feel so ashamed that I cannot control it.  That I don't always have enough willpower to fight off my thoughts.

I am not a religious person at all, however, when I went to the couple OA meetings I went to I loved listening to the serenity prayer.


"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
...
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen."


There are many pieces of it that I find to be true.  It does me no good to sit here and focus on my struggles if I don't have a plan of action to try and change it.  Courage to the change the things I can. That's what I need to do.  Change the things I can and be ok with the trip-ups on the way.

Several months ago there was a blog post by another heath blogger that I loved.  She talked about her cycle.  Her struggle.  She ends the post by saying, the cycle ends today. I know that my cycle has to change, but I also know that in order for that to happen I need to:
1) Ask for help when I need it.
2) Be ok when I do slip up
3) Be able to get back on the wagon as soon as possible
4) Be honest with myself about my struggles

Like most of my posts I am not sure what the moral of this post is.  I am not sure that I have a specific point that I want to make.  However, whether or not it is a REAL diagnosis, I will continue to think of strategies to help me change the things I can. 

Flying Like A Bird Without Embarrassment

Flying Like  A Bird 
"Emily, you are a mover, not a dancer.  That's why you should always be in the back."

When I was in high school I wanted to be a musical theater performer.  For me, there was nothing in the world that would make me feel more alive... Make me smile with complete joy!  Singing and dancing on stage.  Light on my face.  Theater people around me.  Getting to express emotion and beauty through art.  Seriously, there was nothing better.

I took jazz from a nearby, reputable dance company by my house.  I knew I wasn't the best dancer in the world.  But I loved it more than anything.  Dancing would instantaneously make me smile... fill me with glee.  I noticed one day that I was always in the back of our dance formations.  I asked my teacher why it was that I was always in the back.  She responded with, "Emily, you are a mover, not a dancer.  That's why you should always be in the back." 

I don't think people always know how their words are going to effect people.  Well, these words stung like a knife and have stayed with me since then.  "You're a mover, not a dancer." 

The last couple months I have had the AMAZING pleasure of being in Children of Eden.  It has been an all around INCREDIBLE experience.  The cast and crew are phenomenal and I have had a blast.  In addition the life-changing experience based on the people, I have had a huge revelation.

This is what I now know.  You won't see me on Broadway tomorrow, but I am more than JUST a mover.  I have gotten compliments in Zumba in the last couple of weeks.  I spend time practicing the choreography in my living room.  I feel REALLY good about myself.  And all it took was for someone to believe in me as a dancer. And that is EXACTLY what Kayla, the choreographer did.  I was put in two dance numbers that I never thought I would be able to do.  I thought that she was crazy and that the audience members would for sure pick me out as the OBVIOUS non-dancer.  And this may be true... However, Kayla gave me a gift.  In one of the dances I get LIFTED... LIFTED!!!!! IN THE AIR!!!! BY A DANCE PARTNER!!!!!  And whether or not I look the best of everyone is not the point.  I am small enough, confident enough, READY enough, to be lifted in the air! :-)  I feel like a bird when it happens.  When Logan lifts me up in the air I feel like nothing could touch me.  I want to hang on to that feeling forever.

Kayla gave me the gift of confidence and the power to take back the words... Screw you!  I AM a dancer AND a mover.  And I will shake my groove thing until the cows come home.

I am in blue! 

Embarrassed 
So while the first half of this post is uplifting, this next part is not as exciting.  Let me just share with the world that I have eaten 70+ points for the past two nights.  For those of you who aren't weight watchers and don't know what that means, it is a lot.  I get 29 points a day and 49 extra points for the week.  That means in 2 days I have eaten 4 days worth of food AND my flex.  SERIOUSLY?!  Who does that??!!

Here's the thing about it.  After I have eaten it all, I don't feel GOOD... I don't feel like it was worth it.  And then I feel slightly depressed that I ate it. And I am sneak eating, I am shoving food, and not for any good reason other than I can... But I don't need to.  And EVERY time I do I feel yucky.

I SOS'ed my weight watchers ladies.  I got some fantastic messages back.  But one that stuck with me.  For the past 5 days I have felt like the old Emily... Eating like SHE did... Well, one of my fantastic ladies sent me a text that said,

"F*** what is done.  Make new choices starting now and you will feel better.  Make good choices in a row and the harder choices you made in the past lose their grip.  Tomorrow is a new day and that doesn't mean that you inhale more sh** tonight.  Be nice to yourself or I will the old Em's a**." 

AMAZING!!!! :-)  Seriously!!! :-)  Exactly what I needed.

All 3 of my ladies told me that we all make mistakes.  And that's true.  And I can't just let everything else slip or beat myself because of that.  Thank you my dears... you are very important to me.

This is a marathon, not a sprint.  I just need to start again NOW.  Right NOW.    Not tomorrow, not the next day, but NOW!!!!

So, that's what I am doing.  Loving my ladies.  Loving my life.  Loving me.  I WILL not throw this away now.  I WILL not let food own me.  I WILL not let 2 days of not-great choices ruin what is going to be a fantastically wonderful weekend!!!! :-)

And if any of you live by and you feel inclined... COME WATCH ME BE A DANCER! :-)