Reality Check

I have been avoiding writing this post.  I keep writing and re-writing over and over and over again.  It doesn't matter how I try to avoid it, it's time to be honest.  I am not in a good Weight Watchers place.  It's just not good.  I can dress it up anyway I want, "I am busy"... "I left my job"... "I am going to Europe"... but the truth is I am just taking it seriously and I have gained a lot of weight... Here was my reality check...

MY CLOTHES DON'T FIT!  

I can try and make excuses all I want but that is the reality... My clothes don't fit.

I am more than embarrassed to admit that this is where I am.  I look at pictures of people who started their journey after me and have already hit Weight Watcher's lifetime and I am ashamed of where I am.

What I need to remind myself is that it doesn't actually have anything to do with anyone else but myself.  I have not wanted to post because I am not ok with where I am.  I am not ok with how I look.  And let's not even really begin talking about the choices I am continuing to make with food.  Use your imagination... It's not good.

I don't have a good answer at the moment.  I know I am not eating healthy or working out.  I know what I need to do but I feel like I am stuck.  Stuck in a bad spiral of choices.  I don't have anything productive to say other than that.  I don't have a master plan, I am not feeling inspired... I just AM.

I wouldn't have written this post except a fellow blogger posted a very honest entry this month.  She talks about how much weight she has gained from apathy.  Reading her blog made me feel better because I know that I am not alone.  It doesn't excuse my eating or where I am... but it makes me feel less like a failure.  Less embarrassed.  Less alone.

Perhaps tomorrow I will wake up ready to get back on.  Or perhaps I should make a realistic set of goals for myself this summer.  Perhaps I should ask a friend for advice.  Perhaps I should share in a weight watchers meeting.  Perhaps I should do SOMETHING.  ANYTHING.  Except what I am doing at the moment.

I promise to write again before Europe.  Hopefully tomorrow... And I hope by then I have something more uplifting to post.  But I wanted to write this entry.  I wanted to be honest.  Not to whine.  Not to try and get pity.  Not to sound depressing.  Just to be honest.  To get it off my chest.

Below are some pictures to help get my brain back in a positive space... Wish me luck.

Starting. 213 pounds.

Last summer. 168 pounds. 

My lowest.  159 pounds. 

Now. 186 pounds. THIS is a reality check.