Feeling Guilty, But Also Getting Places

I CANNOT believe that it's been 10 days.  I feel like I am failing as far as blogging, being accountable to friends, and being a part of the healthy living community.  I haven't been reading blogs, I haven't been writing in my blog, and I haven't been texting my friends.  Tonight in WW I saw all the people that make my life better and felt terrible that I have been neglecting them.  That I haven't been keeping my promise to update my blog 3xs a week.  That I haven't been responding to texts.  Basically, I am not doing as well as I would like for the accountability piece.   However, despite feeling like I am letting people down, I have been having great successes.  After pondering about my feelings throughout the meeting tonight, I decided that I need to blog.  This entry is about some of my successes, some of my thoughts on my priorities, and some upcoming challenges.

6 Week Journal Challenge 
Several weeks ago, Jen, from priorfatgirl, starting her 6 week journal challenge.  Her charge was to track for 6 weeks straight.  I began on August 19!  My challenge was that NO MATTER WHAT I would track.  Regardless of whether or not I liked what I wrote down, I would write it.  There were days that I HATED what I wrote.  I wrote 40 points days, 50 point days, 80 point days, and then the normal 29 point days.  I had days that I wanted to "cheat" and write less points than I had eaten, but this challenge made me realize that it only would hurt me.  There were times that I stopped myself from eating what I wanted because I KNEW I would have to write it down.  I have been successful.  I am going to continue with this challenge because it is helping me!

Other Successes 
Here are the other things that I am proud of:
1) I am .2 pounds away from hitting 50 again!!!!
2) My waist is slimming down and I can tell.
3) My school picture today looks TEN TIMES better than the last 2 years!
4) I have been exercising 5 days a week.
5) I have made my Zumba classes a concrete weekly calendar item that cannot be changed.

People Sharing Their Success With Me 
One of the most exciting pieces of this blogging experience has been how many people have come and shared their stories with me.  People that I would NEVER have suspected as being on the same journey as me.  And they give me hope.  And they keep me inspired.  And it makes me feel good that I am inspiring others.  There are more people on this journey, more than I could possibly could ever have known.  I hope that as I continue people will keep sharing their lives with me.

Upcoming Challenges
-My personal trainer and I won't be able to meet as frequently for the next couple months.  I need to keep on the awesome track that I am on without having her by my side as much as I would like.

-Rehearsal makes it hard for me to eat in a healthy way and sleep as much as I would like.  I need to make sure that I am continuing good eating habits and getting good sleep.  I also want to make sure that I am blogging more than once every 10 days.

-I want to be supportive of my friends and ask for their help.  So, even though I can be absent-minded, read a text, and then forget about it... I need to make sure I am responding to texts.  And emailing those I care about.  I need to make sure that, regardless of my mood and state of mind, I should be returning texts and texting people as support.

Coming Up Soon on Thinawi... 
Tonight someone shared with me that they hate the word exercise and they have instead been talking about making healthy choices for their body.  I want to write about this later in the week because it really struck me as something insightful and I like the way it makes you think about going to the gym.

Next entry... Exercise vs. Healthy Choices

Sometimes you just feel GOOD!

Tonight JD and I went to see Rocky Horror.  I got all dolled up in semi-inappropriate clothes to go see the show.  Two years ago I would not have DREAMED of wearing what I wore out in public.  I would not have wanted any extra attention on me.  I wouldn't have wanted people to be able to see how uncomfortable I was in my body or how much I was showing off parts of my body to distract from the rest of me.  HOWEVER... tonight I did not feel that way.  I felt HOT! :-)  I felt good!  I felt attractive.  I felt ready to show off ME! :-)  So, YES!  I did come home and take pictures of myself... but you know what... I keep looking for full body pics from before WW to compare to and you know what?  They don't exist.  So, here are the photos from tonight!  DANG IT FEELS GOOD TO FEEL GOOD!

Feeling Deprived

I really should be lesson planning right now.  I mean, REALLY REALLY should be.  But instead, I am feeling compelled to blog.

For the last couple of weeks I have started to feel frustrated by something that people say at Weight Watchers meetings.  I know I SHOULDN'T be feeling this way.  However, I can't help but share my feelings.

We spend time talking about our 49 flex points and how that should keep me from feeling deprived.  By using those I SHOULD be able to go out and enjoy myself and not feel like I can't eat certain things.  But I think that is one of my big issues lately.  I DO feel deprived.  I DO feel like I can't eat what I want.  And I know that is part of this process, part of the big life change... But, it's hard to go out for Chinese and really feel like I can't eat sesame chicken with rice.  To know that if I go out for Mexican and eat fajitas from Don Pablos on a Thursday, that means that I will probably not get to have another meal out that week.  And now that my schedule is getting even crazier I am having to eat out more and more.  Therefore, I am really struggling to eat food, feel full, and stay within points.  Maybe it's just me, but I don't find half of a subway sandwich filling.

Also, in order to eat a breakfast that will keep me full until 12:10, I have to use a good amount of points. And in order to feel full until the end of school I have to use another good amount of points.  So, by the time I get to dinner I don't have very many points.  And when I eat out I have to use a good amount of points.  So I really feel like I don't ever have enough points.

Then, when people are talking about not feeling deprived, I really try to understand how people aren't feel deprived.  Perhaps if I was eating more vegetables and filling foods.

But the truth is, I am feeling deprived.

So, it's Thursday.  I have to make it to Tuesday evening and I only have 9 flex points left.  I don't know how on Earth that is going to happen.  I guess this week it is my goal to figure out how I can not feel deprived.  How I can get my mind to wrap itself around the fact that I truly CAN'T eat as much as I used to.

I don't know if this post even makes sense, but it is just something that I wanted to get off my chest.

I Am Grumpy

I weighed in tonight.  It didn't seem to go well.  Nope, not at all.  I went up another .8.  I know that it doesn't seem like a lot.  But to me, it is.  I thought I was going to go down.  My boyfriend is wonderfully sweet and is trying to make me feel better by talking about the difference between fat and muscle and how much they weigh.

I do feel pretty great because I lost an inch and a half from my waist in personal training.  We measured last week and in the month that I have been working out with her and working out more every week, I lost some inches.  So, I guess I should find victory in that, right?  Be excited by the loss in my waist?

Also, have I mentioned that I LOVE my personal trainer.  She is FANTASTIC!  Not only does she kick my butt, but we have lots of fun.  AND I feel like I have a friend in her.  We make each other laugh and run around the gym having a grand ole time.  It makes it MUCH easier to work out. MUCH MUCH easier.  I actually look forward to going to work out with her.

This next week I don't want it to be a gain.  I want to LOSE LOSE LOSE!

So, here's to another week... I will email my WW friends, track all my coffee, drink more water, and make sure that I am working out when I say I am !

Tomorrow is a new day and I will be excited... until then, I will be grumpy!

Sometimes I Don't Want to Write

A couple week ago when I met with Jen, she told me not to blog JUST for the sake of blogging, that my readers would read right through that.  I can't decide if I haven't been blogging because I feel like I have nothing to say or because I am making excuses or because I really don't have time.  I have felt on and off with GREAT ideas to blog, but my world is such a whirlwind of craziness right now that I haven't felt the inspiration to blog when I get home.  Additionally, I have not been able to sit down and really write entries with as much feeling and thoughtfulness as I would like.  From 5:40 am to 10 pm, my days are full.  They are full with school, rehearsal, working out, and meetings... there aren't enough minutes in the day for me to get my work done or blog.  So, on some days, I have to choose, prep for school or blog.  Honestly, which would you choose?  It doesn't seem like a fair choice... but that seems to be the way life is right now. 


Eating More Points 
The last couple weeks I have been working out more than I have in my entire life, but I have also been struggling quite a bit.  I sent the following note to my weight watchers friend... "I don't know how this week is going to go.  I have developed this bad habit of expecting that I can go over the 49 flex because I am working out, without actually keeping track of points. It's not a good habit and I need to figure out how I can stop it.  I tried this week and I made it to today and then I was mad at myself."

I think I am going to need to work on this for this week.  :-)  It doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but I could be losing more than I am.

This week I am going to try and blog more than I have been in the past couple of weeks.  With the play and the second week of school I may not get to put as much time into the blog, but I really will try. 

It REALLY does help me stay accountable.  Cool ideas or thoughts you want to share?  Share them with me! :-) 

Long Lost Blogger

Hello all friends!

I can't believe it has been over a week since I blogged.  I feel like a bum for not posting more this week, but with school starting it has been pretty crazy.

I also feel like a bum because Jen and I came up with some awesome goals for my blog, but life has been super crazy.  I have had the option between sleep, working out, or blogging.  So sleep and working out have won out.  I have been working out 6 days a week and sleeping some.

Working out has been fun because I have been doing zumba, weight-lifting, and masala bangara!

I have also been working hard to make good choices at special events.  Today was one of those events!  I went to the Ren Fest!  I ate shredded pork sandwich, chocolate covered banana, and 1/2 of a calzone.  I also got a new outfit at the Ren Fest today.... I think it looks good!!! :-)  Something that I would not have liked on me 2 years ago.

More soon!

:-)

Happy Labor Day ALL!!!!