Quick Before and After Shot

I am going to be writing a longer entry tomorrow... But for now... Here's a quick before and after shot.

February 2010 and January 2012

There IS Only One Emily

Let me start by saying... HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! It's 2012!!! And it's been over a month since I blogged.

And I have to be honest, I have been avoiding my blog.  Avoiding it like the plaque.  And truthfully, I have no reason.  I have had plenty of time.  I got a new Ipad with the blogger app.  Exciting things have happened, but I haven't blogged.  I wish I could say that my computer broke and that electricity all over the state of Minnesota went out and so I couldn't blog, but that isn't the truth.  And I feel guilty about it.  Partly because I know there are people that want to read my blog, partly because I want to be a consistent and thoughtful blogger, but mostly because it means that for almost a month I have been making excuses and not being accountable to myself.

The interesting part of all of this, is that right before break I hit a HUGE milestone!!!! I hit my 150s.  The 150s are not numbers I have seen since my Sophomore year of high school.  So hurray for that.. However...

This would be even more exciting if I hadn't fallen COMPLETELY off the wagon RIGHT afterwards.  Eating like a pig.  All of my old habits came back full force.  Drinking chai teas, white mochas... Eating 5 meals a day, each with multiple desserts... And now I am back up 7 pounds.  Almost above the 50 pounds lost mark.  And it occurred to me.  I am not a NEW Emily.  I am the SAME Emily.  I want the same food.  I don't want to work out AT all.  I struggle with saying NO to food.  Talking about a NEW Emily and an OLD Emily makes me feel like when I want to eat whatever I want, I can just pretend that I am the OLD Emily.  But that's not true.  I CAN'T do that.  And when I do, my results aren't in the negative direction.  

So, yesterday I started the Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred... It was unpleasant when I did it and my body has been very sore today, but it felt good to be back on the wagon.  I was on a good eating path today.  I was within my points, I ate salad, twice... I ate fruit, veggies... 

AND THEN I ate a muffin and lots of cereal... And I went over... And I felt sad. 

So, I did Jillian again AND zumba.  And then I realized that EMILY can do whatever she wants!!  All I have to do is focus on the positive.  

I am hoping that tomorrow I can do better.  I am going to take it one day at a time and reach out when I need help.  

My promise to you, my blogging community, is that this week I will check in again.  BEFORE next weekend.  And if I don't, you can send me some sassy mail... :-)  I am going to get back on the wagon. I am going to hit 145 by this time next year (hopefully sooner).  That is my New Year's resolution.  I will accept that I will always be Emily.  And that all I can work on in changing my choices.  Additionally, if I have a bad day or a bad week, I am not going to try not to get depressed or mopey.  I am going to try and find the positives and be proud of my accomplishment.  So, I will leave you with a picture series that I took after my workout.  It speaks to the last couple weeks and what is to come. 

I was in the 150s! 

There was food everywhere and I struggled to say no. 

And then I was feeling FAT. 

And I got on the scale and it was NOT good. 

And then I was sad about my weight gain.

But then I decided that being depressed is not going to help me get back on track. 

I am ready to kick some MAJOR butt!

This is NO ONE'S Journey but MINE!

I know the title of the post can be misleading!  What I don't mean to imply is that there aren't other people in the world working on changing their lifestyle to a more healthy one!  That is NOT what this entry is about.

What this entry is about really is coming to the understanding that MY PERSONAL JOURNEY... how much I lose, what I do with my body, what size clothes I wear... has NOTHING to do with anyone else.  

Sometimes it's hard to not be jealous of other people's successes!  It is hard to not think,  

• "MAN I wish that I was losing weight faster"
• "They haven't been doing this as long as me!" 
• "They said they ate terribly!  How come they lost 5 pounds?!" 
• "What am I doing wrong?"
• "If I were them, I could do that too!" 

Not all of these are nice thoughts... but I am sure that I am not the only who has let those poisonous thoughts creep into their mind.

But here is the truth... what good do those thoughts do?!  Seriously!  For one thing, they accomplish nothing. For another things, those people aren't ME!  They have their own bodies that react to things in different ways.  They are going on their own journey.  They live different lives.  They make different choices.  

And instead of feeling the twang of jealousy, I should focus on the inspiration.  Changing my thoughts into: 

• "What's one suggestion they could give me?" 
• "Could they share a recipe with me?" 
• "Could we text and be supportive?" 
• "Look at what people could accomplish!" 
• "How inspiring!!!" 

Maybe this seems like a silly post to be writing.  But, I found myself being very negative on Tuesday.  I didn't lose ANY weight, but I didn't gain any either.  It could have been because I have been extra emotional and moody (sometimes that happens).  It could have been because I am feeling anxious about some life changes.  Who knows... but for about 20 minutes I threw myself a pity party.  Instead of being very excited for my friends, I pouted.  How selfish of me!  How could I possibly not be ecstatic for my friends when it was my fault for not losing like I wanted?  

And as I was sitting in the Weight Watchers meeting it hit me like a train...

BAM!   This is MY journey!!!!! This was a revelation for me! My journey!!  No one else's and I need to focus on that.  Only I can make MY decisions (don't I tell my students that EVERY DAY?!) and I am the only one that I should focus on!  

So to my two friends who hit the most amazing milestones this week... Words cannot express how proud of you I am!   You are amazing, beautiful women whose journey, courage, and strength help keep me going! 

No matter what happens, I will keep running this marathon... I DESERVE IT!! 

On or Off... How I DIDN'T Handle a Tracking Disasters

I think that problem that many of us face is that there is no in between.  It could be just me.  But it seems to be a big struggle.

You are either good or you are bad.
You are perfect or you are terrible.
You look ugly or you are pretty.
You are skinny or you are fat.
You are in or you are out.
You are on or your off.

Again, it could be just me, but that's how it seems to go for me.  Either I am following my plan 100% or I am off the plan 100%.  You know... Perfection or what's known as the f*its.

Last week I was SO on it!  Feeling the lifestyle change!  Feeling good about my choices.  Planning everything ahead of time.  Really savoring my flex points.  And it was AWESOME!!  I lost 3.8 pounds.  I lost everything that I had gained the week before.  I was drinking all the water I needed to... Really ON PLAN!  And it worked out EXTREMELY well.  I am only .4 pounds away from being in the 150s.

This week I was ready to go.  They just changed over to PointsPlus 2012 and with the new plan I lost 21 points a week, 3 points a day.  That may not seem like much to you, but it's a WHOLE lot to me! That's almost half my flex points a week.  But despite all that I was READY to take on the week!!  READY READY READY!  The week started GREAT!  I was tracking every BLT (bite, lick, or taste).  I planned out the whole week.  I knew Monday was going to be a hard day, so I backwards planned.  I started with Monday and figured out the rest of the week based on how many flex points I had left after Monday.  It was SURE to be another HIGHLY successful week.

Until...

I forgot my tracker at school on Friday.

This might sound extreme to you, but I had a complete meltdown.  Not just a few tears, but anxiety took over my body and my sweet loving boyfriend had to take care of the sobbing, irrational Emily.  Add a little womanly issue into the mix as well and you get an Emily who cannot think in a productive way.  I completely panicked.  JD tried to give me some great advice... Be super cautious, write it all on another piece of paper, don't overeat... But I somehow didn't really hear it.

I did overeat.  The options in my brain were black and white.  I didn't have my tracker, I couldn't follow my plan, I had already been bad... So I kept eating.  Twizzlers, crackers, artichoke dip... I went over by 28 points this week.  NOW... in a perfect world I would still lose tonight.  That is only -7 from the 29 a day I used to get and I worked out twice this week... but I am not sure it's going to happen.

In fact, I am pretty sure it's not gonna happen...

What I need to figure out is... How can I get my brain to realize that I know it's not black or white.  JUST because I am "bad" one day doesn't mean I should continue that way the next day.  It doesn't mean that I should be "off" plan... It isn't always ALL or NOTHING... I can have one bad day and still get one.  I should get to a point where I can accidentally leave my tracker at school and not have the world collapse.

As I have said many times (hopefully the more times I say it the easier it will be for me to REALLY grasp) this is a marathon not a sprint.  And this world isn't black or white.  There are lots of shades of grey... and I have the ability to get back on.