Addicted To Food

So, you maybe looking at the title of this post and saying, "Um, yah... aren't we all."

However, recently I have been having this conversation with many of my friends.  I truly believe that just like alcohol or drugs, food can be an addiction.  There are SO many days I feel like I am fighting with the voice in my head who is justifying actions that I don't want to take... justifying why I HAVE to have the food in front of me.

"Emily, you can just start again next week." 


"You will enjoy this food a lot." 


"Tomorrow is a new day." 


"It's a special weekend, don't worry about it." 


"A couple bites doesn't hurt."


Seriously, I think my brain can help convince me to do anything.  And it doesn't take that much.  All I have to do is think about the food for a split second.  Just the thought of the food will get me to fixate on it.  To justify.  To eat it.  And if I don't?  I find myself dwelling on it.  Thinking about it.  Itching for it.  Unable to focus on what I am supposed to be doing.  Thinking about how delicious the food would taste. How much better my life would be if I had the food.  And the rational part of my brain loses the fight, and the irrational, hungry part of my brain takes over.  And sometimes I give in... And I feel guilty... and I sometimes track... And usually the grumbling in my stomach reminds me that it wasn't worth it...

I know it sounds like I am whining.  But when I lose the rational fight I feel so ashamed that I cannot control it.  That I don't always have enough willpower to fight off my thoughts.

I am not a religious person at all, however, when I went to the couple OA meetings I went to I loved listening to the serenity prayer.


"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
...
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen."


There are many pieces of it that I find to be true.  It does me no good to sit here and focus on my struggles if I don't have a plan of action to try and change it.  Courage to the change the things I can. That's what I need to do.  Change the things I can and be ok with the trip-ups on the way.

Several months ago there was a blog post by another heath blogger that I loved.  She talked about her cycle.  Her struggle.  She ends the post by saying, the cycle ends today. I know that my cycle has to change, but I also know that in order for that to happen I need to:
1) Ask for help when I need it.
2) Be ok when I do slip up
3) Be able to get back on the wagon as soon as possible
4) Be honest with myself about my struggles

Like most of my posts I am not sure what the moral of this post is.  I am not sure that I have a specific point that I want to make.  However, whether or not it is a REAL diagnosis, I will continue to think of strategies to help me change the things I can. 

Flying Like A Bird Without Embarrassment

Flying Like  A Bird 
"Emily, you are a mover, not a dancer.  That's why you should always be in the back."

When I was in high school I wanted to be a musical theater performer.  For me, there was nothing in the world that would make me feel more alive... Make me smile with complete joy!  Singing and dancing on stage.  Light on my face.  Theater people around me.  Getting to express emotion and beauty through art.  Seriously, there was nothing better.

I took jazz from a nearby, reputable dance company by my house.  I knew I wasn't the best dancer in the world.  But I loved it more than anything.  Dancing would instantaneously make me smile... fill me with glee.  I noticed one day that I was always in the back of our dance formations.  I asked my teacher why it was that I was always in the back.  She responded with, "Emily, you are a mover, not a dancer.  That's why you should always be in the back." 

I don't think people always know how their words are going to effect people.  Well, these words stung like a knife and have stayed with me since then.  "You're a mover, not a dancer." 

The last couple months I have had the AMAZING pleasure of being in Children of Eden.  It has been an all around INCREDIBLE experience.  The cast and crew are phenomenal and I have had a blast.  In addition the life-changing experience based on the people, I have had a huge revelation.

This is what I now know.  You won't see me on Broadway tomorrow, but I am more than JUST a mover.  I have gotten compliments in Zumba in the last couple of weeks.  I spend time practicing the choreography in my living room.  I feel REALLY good about myself.  And all it took was for someone to believe in me as a dancer. And that is EXACTLY what Kayla, the choreographer did.  I was put in two dance numbers that I never thought I would be able to do.  I thought that she was crazy and that the audience members would for sure pick me out as the OBVIOUS non-dancer.  And this may be true... However, Kayla gave me a gift.  In one of the dances I get LIFTED... LIFTED!!!!! IN THE AIR!!!! BY A DANCE PARTNER!!!!!  And whether or not I look the best of everyone is not the point.  I am small enough, confident enough, READY enough, to be lifted in the air! :-)  I feel like a bird when it happens.  When Logan lifts me up in the air I feel like nothing could touch me.  I want to hang on to that feeling forever.

Kayla gave me the gift of confidence and the power to take back the words... Screw you!  I AM a dancer AND a mover.  And I will shake my groove thing until the cows come home.

I am in blue! 

Embarrassed 
So while the first half of this post is uplifting, this next part is not as exciting.  Let me just share with the world that I have eaten 70+ points for the past two nights.  For those of you who aren't weight watchers and don't know what that means, it is a lot.  I get 29 points a day and 49 extra points for the week.  That means in 2 days I have eaten 4 days worth of food AND my flex.  SERIOUSLY?!  Who does that??!!

Here's the thing about it.  After I have eaten it all, I don't feel GOOD... I don't feel like it was worth it.  And then I feel slightly depressed that I ate it. And I am sneak eating, I am shoving food, and not for any good reason other than I can... But I don't need to.  And EVERY time I do I feel yucky.

I SOS'ed my weight watchers ladies.  I got some fantastic messages back.  But one that stuck with me.  For the past 5 days I have felt like the old Emily... Eating like SHE did... Well, one of my fantastic ladies sent me a text that said,

"F*** what is done.  Make new choices starting now and you will feel better.  Make good choices in a row and the harder choices you made in the past lose their grip.  Tomorrow is a new day and that doesn't mean that you inhale more sh** tonight.  Be nice to yourself or I will the old Em's a**." 

AMAZING!!!! :-)  Seriously!!! :-)  Exactly what I needed.

All 3 of my ladies told me that we all make mistakes.  And that's true.  And I can't just let everything else slip or beat myself because of that.  Thank you my dears... you are very important to me.

This is a marathon, not a sprint.  I just need to start again NOW.  Right NOW.    Not tomorrow, not the next day, but NOW!!!!

So, that's what I am doing.  Loving my ladies.  Loving my life.  Loving me.  I WILL not throw this away now.  I WILL not let food own me.  I WILL not let 2 days of not-great choices ruin what is going to be a fantastically wonderful weekend!!!! :-)

And if any of you live by and you feel inclined... COME WATCH ME BE A DANCER! :-)

It Doesn't Get Old

Today I got to show off the new me to a co-worker.  We have worked together for a year, but he never saw the Old Emily.  He never knew her.  The one who cried on Friday nights because being the "fat" friend at the bar was too much.  The one who would EASILY put away McDonalds for breakfast, Noodles and Company for a snack, and Chipotle (burrito and chips) for dinner.  The Emily who was sad and uncomfortable all the time, but tried to hide it with low-cut shirts and a big personality.

The big personality is there, however, the other habits and feelings are starting to go away.  However, I forget that there are people in my life who didn't know me then.  This co-worker is one of those people.  I was tracking my points today and he said, "You are so diligent!  I am proud of you!"  And I said, "I have to be!"  Which led to a conversation about the before and after... and eventually to my blog.  I showed him my last post with the school photos and the AWFUL photo of me in the white wife beater (see before and after pictures if you want to see it).  His face was dumbfounded.  It could have been an act to make me feel better, but I truly don't think so.  He looked like he didn't believe me.  Like I was making up the girl in the photo.  His reaction made my day. 

You would think after months of looking different that it would get old to hear, "You look so good!" or "Oh my god!  That was you?!"  However, after years of feeling like s*it, it seriously doesn't get old.  

I am sure that people in my life are sick of hearing about my points, my clothes that are too big, and the old Emily.  BUT, in times of plateau and frustration, it is really nice to have reminders of how far I have come. :-)  

So if you think a nice thought about someone, share it!  Who doesn't like to be told they look good.  

And for us priorfatgirls...  NO, it doesn't get old! :-)

F* It Mondays, Schools Pictures, and a Shout Out

F* It Mondays

So, a couple of weeks ago, this is what happened... Let me set the scene.  It was Monday night.  I was just sitting around with the boys that I live with.
Me: "I want cupcakes.  Chocolate.  Right now.  JD, can we go to the store to get cupcakes?"
JD: "Sure."
Me: "Yes!  CUPCAKE!!!" (running around getting keys... looking for my wallet)
Jachin (our housemate): "She's out of points, isn't she?"
JD: "OH Ya."

This is what we call the F* its.  When you hit the point that you don't care what you put in your mouth because it doesn't matter, because you aren't going to be tracking it.  The last couple weeks I have gotten the case of the Monday F* its.  SO much so that my boyfriend has affectionately started to call this day of the week F* It Monday.  He's right.  I hit Monday and I say, "Eh!  I will eat whatever..."

So, I have been trying to decide why I think that it is that Mondays I don't care.  Why I can go to a party on Saturday, not eat anything by chewing gum, work out on Saturday and Sunday, and not use ANY flex points since Friday... and then Monday hits and it's ALL down hill.  And I weigh in on Tuesday.  My challenge this week is to talk through this conundrum with friends.  I want to figure out WHY this is.  Why do I lose all my motivation and drive on Monday.  If you have any thoughts PLEASE share!

A Picture is Worth A Thousand Words 

One of the joys being a teacher is that you get to take a school picture every year.  I will let these photos speak for themselves.

2009.  If you can even get past the HAIR... eesh!

2010  A step up from the last one.  But still... a uneven eyed bird comes to mind.

Face, more slim.  Hair, much cuter.  Confidence, much better. 

HUGE Shout Out 

Before I sign out for the evening, I want to leave a HUGE HUGE HUGE shout out to 3 certain ladies who helped me make it through a hard Saturday evening.  I texted SOS and they came to the rescue.  Additionally, after a SOS email requesting help staying on track Serina came over Saturday morning to do Zumba and go for a walk.  Shelby has texted at least once every day to check in on.  Meg has been more than encouraging through email and text.  Ladies!!!  I don't know what I do without you.  

One more shout out to Beth from work.  When I told her that I wanted her to help make sure I didn't eat anything at the party, she went and bought gum so I would have something to chew.  I am a lucky lady.