It's Decided!

This starting over thing has been GREAT so far!  I am feeling excited.  I am feeling determined.  I am feeling like I can do this!

At "my first" Weight Watchers meeting on Tuesday the leader talked asked how we were feeling about Weight Watchers and our ability to be successful.  The most positive option was invincible and the least positive was fair.  And I said out loud without even thinking, "So fair!"  And of course it was kind of quiet at the moment and everyone looked to see what our corner had said.  But after being embarrassed I realized how fast it came out of my mouth and how much I felt  it's true.  I was feeling lousy about WW and what I felt like I could do.

I have gained 30 pounds in 2 years.  What is my problem?! And I couldn't even really listen to the rest of the meeting because I was so angry.  Just angry. Angry at WW.  Feel skeptical of people that had lost 100 pounds and were talking about their success even though two years ago that had been sharing my successes. And I couldn't help but get furious at myself.  And as I was sitting there feeling overwhelmed, my friend, Shelby, sitting next to me whispered, "When I started doing WW, I totally felt invincible."

And it hit me.

She is right.  When I started WW it was like a new relationship.  Everything was all flowers and sunshine. Difficult flowers and sunshine, but exciting, new, fun, and rewarding.
And I was excited to go to meetings.
And I was excited to weigh in.
And I was excited to share with new people coming in.
And I was excited to work out (some times).
And I was excited to write on my Facebook and blog about my successes.

And in that moment all the shame and frustrations I was feeling started to lift.  I had been feeling like a fraud.  A WW fraud who didn't deserve to write an "inspirational" weight loss blog or share my journey or be proud of the 19 pounds I lost in 2009/2010.

I wanted to smack myself!  I had gotten lazy and embarrassed... but not writing it on a blog or on Facebook didn't mean I was getting any healthier.  The "woe is me" spiral wasn't helping at all.  My clothes weren't magically going to start to fit again.

So, I decided to "restart" WW.  This is my first week.  And I am lucky to have such supportive people in my life.  Jd has asked me every day how my first week is going.  Shelby has texted/snapchatted me multiple times a day. And back on Tuesday when she and I went to coffee after the WW, we looked deeply and honestly at how to change and get back on.  She helped me realize I needed to think honestly and not emotionally.

So, in addition to starting over on WW, I also made 3 goals based on my challenges.

• Since it is new, I am going to make sure that I am really tracking everything. AND I will not go over my points either Wednesday or Thursday so I can save them for this weekend (which has a lot of food challenging activities).  
• And will send my tracker to Shelby and Courtney every day.
• And I am going to blog three times before next Tuesday. 

I AM PROUD THAT I ACCOMPLISHED MY FIRST GOAL!  I didn't use ANY flex points Wednesday or Thursday and I made lots of GREAT choices!  This has been something that I have been struggling with since I got back from Europe, and before (if I am being honest).  And even though it wasn't easy I DID IT!!

I KNOW I have some eating challenges coming up this weekend but I know since I am no longer feeling fair (I am INVINCIBLE), I ,CAN DO IT!  Today I have packed my lunch.  A morning shake, an after working out egg and kale snack, a sandwich and salad for lunch, and a gluten free pretzel snack for when I am feeling starving at 2.  I have planned and  I am ready.  And as a treat, I am having sushi out tonight at dinner and I have already tracked my day and allotted the amount of points I have to use tonight!

My lunch.  Although I don't get to drink the Fresca if I haven't had two whole bottles of water already!

My lunch packing buddy!

I feel good.  I feel happy.  I feel proud.  I feel invincible.  Two solid days of remembering that I can do this. Of going back to the "honeymoon" phase and really investing in ME has made me remember that I can do this.  And it doesn't matter that I have gained 30 pounds back.  I am going to look FORWARD.  I remember that feeling of giddiness getting ready for Tuesday weigh in!

I am off to workout with Courtney for the third time this week! And I will continue to make working out with her a priority!

It's decided... This is a marathon and not a sprint and I CAN DO IT! AND I AM WORTH IT!