Decisions

So, it has been decided.  For good or for bad.  That I am not tracking until I get home.  This was a big decision to make, but it was one that had to be made.  I may regret this decision when I get home and I step on the scale, but for my mental stability, it had to happen.  I am still trying very hard not to fall into old Emily ways, although 4th weekend was NOT good in this respect, but I am not writing everything down.

Everyday, I was feeling SO guilty and SO stressed out, that it was interfering with my job.  Not only that, but I was feeling TERRIBLE about myself.  Like a failure, like someone that doesn't know how to take care of themselves.  It was truly becoming an obsessive issue and THIS is like old Emily.  Obsessing, feeling guilty... And I DON'T want to be that person again.  I was so unhappy for SO many years.  Seriously.  I'm feeling good about my body.  I am feeling good about my life.  I need to have a healthy relationship with food in order to make it through the next 21 days.  And then I will sign up for another 5k!  And I will join a dance class.  And I will be making dinner all the time.

Tomorrow starts today.  And today, I am making this decision, even though it may not be by the book, it's the decision that I have to make. 

On a positive note, Shelby, THE BESTEST, sent me a card and I carry it with me!!  It's a reminder! :-)

So thank you to those people who have sent me positive notes along the way! :-)  Keep it up!  They are going to help me get through these 21 days of hard eating!!! :-)

THANKS SHELBY!

This Summer

Last year at this time I had fallen off the weight watchers train over a month before I left for Institute.  I also had only lost 20 pounds at that point.  I came to Institute and didn't really think twice about what I was eating.  Somehow, I managed to only gain 2 pounds all summer.  I think it was because at the time I hadn't been working out at all and all the walking made it equal out.  This year, it's not the same.  I had been hard core on Weight Watchers, doing everything I was supposed to all the way leading up to Institute and continuing to lose weight.  I knew I was going to have to work hard this summer and continue on the weight watchers train because Institute is an awesome but stressful and exhausting 2 months.  I think that I assumed I would get here and it would be ok.  That because I had been doing so well at home, that it would just continue over when I got here.

However, I think this mindset is what has made this summer particularly hard for me.  Assuming and not planning.  For the months leading up to Institute, I kept talking about how all the walking would make me not gain weight.  That has stayed in my head, even though it is not true.  I didn't sit and plan with my BRP (WW group) like I had planned.  I didn't buy as many healthy snacks as I had planned.  I just assumed that everything was going to be fine.  You know what they say about assuming, and it is showing to be true.

So, here's the hard part.  I need to figure out how I can be physically healthy as well as how I can be mentally healthy about all of this.  Up to this point, neither is going well.  Eating in the dining hall is proving to be much more difficult than I imagined.  Eating out on the weekends is not proving to be an healthier.  And all the while I am beating myself up immensely and imagining what I will look like when I am the girl I used to be.  Feeling bad when I am eating, and again creating a super negative relationship with my food. 

I KNOW that this is a life long journey and that I have to work my way through these next 5 weeks, but I need to figure out a happy medium.  I need to know how to make it without gaining more weight and without feeling completely depressed by the choices I am making.

I have been tracking this week.  I've written everything down.  However, I have gone SO far over my points that it is frustrating me.  Which makes me not want to track.  I feel like I almost don't know how to eat here and stay within my points.

So, here I am whining.  Complaining some might call it.  I should be solutions oriented and figure out what else I can do.  Easier said than done, but I have spent the morning thinking about some of my options.

So here are my thoughts so far:
1) Find a meeting that I go to every week and weigh-in (Wednesday, noon)
2) Email my BRP girls everyday to keep me accountable
3) Exercise at least 3 times a week
4) Make sure that I am eating enough JUST be full and not more
5) Making sure the people around me keep me accountable at 1:00 am when I am still working

I will also block time in my schedule to make sure that I AM blogging so that I can write here and stay accountable.

Thank you to all the people who posted on my last post, wrote on facebook, and/or emailed me to let me know that they were thinking about me.  Wagers, Alicia... yours especially... :-)

So, here's to another week.  Hopefully a better one.  

Asking For Help!!

Hello there blog readers!!!
I know it has been a couple days, or even weeks, since I wrote.  I am working a very awesome, but challenging job and  haven't had as much time to blog as I want.  However, I am hoping that in the coming weeks, that will change.  I know how much doing this blog keeps me accountable for what I am eating and what I am choosing to do.

With that said, I am lost.  I am eating in a dining hall that is all you can eat.  There is a starbucks super close.  And I have no will power because I am stressed.

I wrote the following letter to my team today, because I knew SOMETHING had to be done. 

Hello OD Team,

I am feeling very distressed because I got on the scale today and weighed in at 167.  That's almost 6 pounds that I have gained since I arrived at Institute.  I have been sitting here pondering how much weight I will gain if I keep up these eating patterns and the truth is, I can't.  I have worked too hard to get to where I am to lose it now.  The food, huge coffee, party stops NOW!

So, here is where you come in.  I need you to remind me... In polite ways, not yelling or "stopping" me, but reminding me that I can make good choices.

Here are my current downfalls:
1) Hamburgers and Fried
2) Honey mustard on EVERYTHING
3) 2 plates full of food
4) Dessert
5) LOTS of soda

I don't need judgement about what I am eating, but a "Do you really want that?" or "Have you written things down today" or perhaps, "Did you see the other healthier option on the other end?"

I know that this might be a lot to ask, but I can't give up now.  I was so close to being under 160 and I want to get back to that. 

I appreciate your helping me in this goal of mine... PPA to the max! :-)

Happy Wednesday!
:-)
Emily

 So, now I ask YOU... the people who read this blog, to also help me out.  Send me an encouraging note or suggestions.  Help me get through this rough patch and back on the wagon.  I could really use your support right now.  :-) 

It's time for bed... I hope to hear from YOU soon!  

Soooo much going on

Hello my readers!

I know that some of you have been waiting patiently to hear what has been happening in my life.  Well, even though I have fallen off the tracking (and eating correctly) wagon, I am still steadily losing because of the stress in my life. 

This is also why I have not written in a while.  There has been SO much going on here.  Moving in with the bf, getting ready to go to Chicago for the summer, school ending, my 2-year commitment to Teach For America is ending, and some other personal things with my family.

Pretty much, life has been a consistent stream of CRAZINESS. 

There is SO much more that I want to say... there is so much more that I want to share, but truthfully, am stealing the very few minutes that I have for down time to write an entry.  I will share that after only one day back in an all-you-can-eat dining hall, I am feeling a bit concerned about my eating habits.  And I am going to need some love, support, and reminders that I can do this.  Dessert everywhere.  Multiple meals I could eat.  Pizza.  Hamburgers.  Ice Cream.  These are the foods that I will face all summer.  And I have to focus on how to make good decisions and not over-eat.  I will not go back, I will continue to lose, I just need to figure out how I can do that in this situation.  But I WILL... partly because there is no turning back at this point, but mostly because of the huge support system that I have here... :-)

So, as much as I want to write more, that's all I got for now!  :-)  (all the time, that is).  Soon enough though, I will be blogging on a more regular basis and showing you the choices that I am making (both the good and bad).

In the words of Rebecca Black... "It's Friday! Friday!"
Have a GREAT weekend!