London Blog

While I am in London and Ireland I will be posting blog posts about my trip.  I will only be posting on this blog if it's food or weight related.  :-)

Here is the link: tinawipalooza.blogspot.com

Thanks for being supportive!!!

Photos Are About Memories

Yesterday I ran a 5K!  This is my second one in just over a month.  I didn't train for this one like the one in April.  I didn't even really want to run yesterday with the weather, but despite all the whining, we actually beat our time in April by 3 minutes!  My mom was there to cheer me on.  I ran with two friends who cheered me on.  I was proud of myself for beating our time.  I was proud of myself for only walking about 1/2 a mile.  I was proud of myself for running across the Stone Arch bridge both directions.  I was proud and happy.  It was actually kind of fun.  

Until I saw this picture... 

And I was no longer excited or proud of what I had accomplished.  All I could focus on was the picture and how gross I think I look in it.  I tried to be excited but it was all I could focus on.  I looked at the pictures of 2 years ago when I was down 50 and training to run every day.  When I finished my second race.  The WW 5k that was a life-changing moment for me.  

When I woke up this morning I realized how ridiculous that was.  YESTERDAY I finished a 5K!  I ran a 5K!  I didn't really train and I beat my time from only a month ago!  I had a great time, with great friends, and my mom!  And as I was thinking about this, a quote came up on a friend's page.

This quote came from a blog.  I went to this blog and looked through the pictures and quotes.  The woman who writes it is a supporter of being healthy and not fixating on only looks.  It really hit home.  I am not being healthy right now.  But my fixation and obsession with my weight is not making me any more healthy.  There was one quote on her blog that I read and loved.

“Photos are about memories and experiences, not just how you look or what you weigh.”

I read that quote and it made me smile.  Yesterday was an amazing memory.  An amazing experience.  And a reminder that I can do whatever I put my mind to.  Yesterday was an amazingly successful and fun day.  So phooey on where I was two years ago!  I want to celebrate RIGHT NOW!  There are a lot of exciting things coming up and I want to live in the moment and enjoy... And yesterday couldn't have been a more perfect day for where I am at this moment in time.  And I am lucky to have photos that will remind me of the amazing memories...

Reality Check

I have been avoiding writing this post.  I keep writing and re-writing over and over and over again.  It doesn't matter how I try to avoid it, it's time to be honest.  I am not in a good Weight Watchers place.  It's just not good.  I can dress it up anyway I want, "I am busy"... "I left my job"... "I am going to Europe"... but the truth is I am just taking it seriously and I have gained a lot of weight... Here was my reality check...

MY CLOTHES DON'T FIT!  

I can try and make excuses all I want but that is the reality... My clothes don't fit.

I am more than embarrassed to admit that this is where I am.  I look at pictures of people who started their journey after me and have already hit Weight Watcher's lifetime and I am ashamed of where I am.

What I need to remind myself is that it doesn't actually have anything to do with anyone else but myself.  I have not wanted to post because I am not ok with where I am.  I am not ok with how I look.  And let's not even really begin talking about the choices I am continuing to make with food.  Use your imagination... It's not good.

I don't have a good answer at the moment.  I know I am not eating healthy or working out.  I know what I need to do but I feel like I am stuck.  Stuck in a bad spiral of choices.  I don't have anything productive to say other than that.  I don't have a master plan, I am not feeling inspired... I just AM.

I wouldn't have written this post except a fellow blogger posted a very honest entry this month.  She talks about how much weight she has gained from apathy.  Reading her blog made me feel better because I know that I am not alone.  It doesn't excuse my eating or where I am... but it makes me feel less like a failure.  Less embarrassed.  Less alone.

Perhaps tomorrow I will wake up ready to get back on.  Or perhaps I should make a realistic set of goals for myself this summer.  Perhaps I should ask a friend for advice.  Perhaps I should share in a weight watchers meeting.  Perhaps I should do SOMETHING.  ANYTHING.  Except what I am doing at the moment.

I promise to write again before Europe.  Hopefully tomorrow... And I hope by then I have something more uplifting to post.  But I wanted to write this entry.  I wanted to be honest.  Not to whine.  Not to try and get pity.  Not to sound depressing.  Just to be honest.  To get it off my chest.

Below are some pictures to help get my brain back in a positive space... Wish me luck.

Starting. 213 pounds.

Last summer. 168 pounds. 

My lowest.  159 pounds. 

Now. 186 pounds. THIS is a reality check.