Jealousy

It must be a blogging kind of day.  This morning I posted about how I am not feeling motivated to write... that I have anything interesting to say and now I feel the muse.  I have thoughts that I want to share and things that I am pondering.

It's interesting how jealousy works.  Today I looked at my friend Anna's blog.  Holy crap she looks HOT!  I mean, my jaw dropped to the floor and wanted to say, "Hubba hubba!"  Not that she was not beautiful before, but the healthy glow is all around her.  She is my inspiration for today.  And tomorrow.  And the next.  In fact, I may print out her picture and carry it around with me (it's not weird, I swear... she was one of my best friends in college!).

But something interesting happened when I was looking at her blog.  I got super jealous.  And not just a little jealous, SUPER jealous.  Motivated, but jealous.  I haven't seen Anna in years.  Probably 3 years.  But some of my best memories of Anna are of us driving to Panera (the one in the rest stop in the middle of nowhere Ohio) to eat.  Not only to eat, but to eat a lot.  To eat without feeling guilty.  That was our thing. We would eat and eat and even when I thought I couldn't possibly eat more... then we would go to Starbucks and get soy chai.  Venti.  With whip. Delicious.  She was my "bigger" friend who would joke about being bigger with me.  And we would talk about how frustrating Weight Watchers could be.  (I asked her before I wrote all this, so in case you are wondering, she doesn't mind that I am telling you this.)

In 2008, At our rest stop in Ohio with our favorite barista!

Us eating samples at Panera!

Anna has been someone that I have lost weight alongside with.  Even though we aren't in the same place.  We have been losing around the same time.  We have been at about the same amount of pounds lost and about the same body mass.  And perhaps I do look like her and I just don't see it, but holy hell she looks smokin' and has lost 65 pounds.  Should I be comparing?  No.  And I know that.  As I tell my students, some people just get to their destinations faster.  But that doesn't mean that I am not jealous.  Because I am more jealous than I would have thought.  More proud of her than she could possibly know, but jealous.

BUT.... I think that it's almost a good jealous.  She reminds me that this is possible.  That it's not just Jennifer Hudson on TV.  I have my Weight Watchers friends that I see every week who look damn good too, but when you seem someone every week, you forget what the "old" them looks like.  But since I haven't seen Anna in (too many) years, I wouldn't have know.

Anna, NOW! 

So, in this standstill that I am in, I am hoping that Anna keeps me motivated.  That she is my reminder.  That I can join her at 65 pounds lost total.  And then perhaps then she will write an entry about me. :-)  For those of you that read this blog, I hope you have an Anna that keeps you motivated.  Someone that really is an inspiration AND a beautiful person in and out.

(p.s... I really do want to post about the word exercise... perhaps that will be my entry tomorrow.)

Not A Ghost or on the Darkside... Just Blah.

I got a comment on my blog last night from another blogger asking me where I have been.

"I keep looking... hoping for a post from you... have you fallen back to the darkside? Can I help? 

Thinking of you! Come back soon!"

For some reason it really struck me.  I know that, for my own sake, I have not been writing in my blog enough.  Not keeping myself responsible.  But I didn't really think about other people reading my blog and how they might feel if I didn't write.  Do people really even care if I write in my blog?

But the more important question... Why haven't I been writing?

As I wrote in my last entry, my priorities haven been altered recently.  What I am choosing to spend my limited amount of free time on has changed.  However, many nights I have sat down to write a post.  Knowing that I only had, at the max, 40 minutes before bed, I tried to pump out different posts.  My struggle always seemed to be, "Is what I am writing right now worth 40 minutes of my time?"  I feel that what I have wanted to say and the things I have wanted to write about were not interesting.  Jen once told me to not force an entry.  However, with that said, I truly cannot say for over a week I have had NOTHING to say.  I am sure that several of the posts that I have started WERE interesting enough to write about.  So that leads to the question... Am I embarrassed of my progress?  Am I embarrassed by some of the choices I have been making?  Is my weight loss plateau also affecting my blogging?

I think the answer to all the questions above is yes.  I am feeling frustrated with my life and with my progress at the moment and instead of taking ownership over it I am ignoring it.

I did lose .4 pounds this week, but truthfully, had I stayed to plan I could have lost more.  No questions.

So, here are my goals for this upcoming week:
1) Write in my blog 3 more times... Seriously!  This time I am going to!
2) For every cup of coffee or soda I drink, I will drink 8 oz of water.
3) Go to the gym 5 days of the 7 days.
4) Go back to emailing my personal trainer every day about my progress.
5) Be honest with myself about my priorities.

I guess I don't know what the point of this post is other than to help me get back on track.  Back on track with blogging... food... this journey... the community...

And you know what, I know I can do... I just have to prove to myself that I should be my first priority.  My life, my weight, my health, and my happiness... those should be my priorities. 

Feeling Guilty, But Also Getting Places

I CANNOT believe that it's been 10 days.  I feel like I am failing as far as blogging, being accountable to friends, and being a part of the healthy living community.  I haven't been reading blogs, I haven't been writing in my blog, and I haven't been texting my friends.  Tonight in WW I saw all the people that make my life better and felt terrible that I have been neglecting them.  That I haven't been keeping my promise to update my blog 3xs a week.  That I haven't been responding to texts.  Basically, I am not doing as well as I would like for the accountability piece.   However, despite feeling like I am letting people down, I have been having great successes.  After pondering about my feelings throughout the meeting tonight, I decided that I need to blog.  This entry is about some of my successes, some of my thoughts on my priorities, and some upcoming challenges.

6 Week Journal Challenge 
Several weeks ago, Jen, from priorfatgirl, starting her 6 week journal challenge.  Her charge was to track for 6 weeks straight.  I began on August 19!  My challenge was that NO MATTER WHAT I would track.  Regardless of whether or not I liked what I wrote down, I would write it.  There were days that I HATED what I wrote.  I wrote 40 points days, 50 point days, 80 point days, and then the normal 29 point days.  I had days that I wanted to "cheat" and write less points than I had eaten, but this challenge made me realize that it only would hurt me.  There were times that I stopped myself from eating what I wanted because I KNEW I would have to write it down.  I have been successful.  I am going to continue with this challenge because it is helping me!

Other Successes 
Here are the other things that I am proud of:
1) I am .2 pounds away from hitting 50 again!!!!
2) My waist is slimming down and I can tell.
3) My school picture today looks TEN TIMES better than the last 2 years!
4) I have been exercising 5 days a week.
5) I have made my Zumba classes a concrete weekly calendar item that cannot be changed.

People Sharing Their Success With Me 
One of the most exciting pieces of this blogging experience has been how many people have come and shared their stories with me.  People that I would NEVER have suspected as being on the same journey as me.  And they give me hope.  And they keep me inspired.  And it makes me feel good that I am inspiring others.  There are more people on this journey, more than I could possibly could ever have known.  I hope that as I continue people will keep sharing their lives with me.

Upcoming Challenges
-My personal trainer and I won't be able to meet as frequently for the next couple months.  I need to keep on the awesome track that I am on without having her by my side as much as I would like.

-Rehearsal makes it hard for me to eat in a healthy way and sleep as much as I would like.  I need to make sure that I am continuing good eating habits and getting good sleep.  I also want to make sure that I am blogging more than once every 10 days.

-I want to be supportive of my friends and ask for their help.  So, even though I can be absent-minded, read a text, and then forget about it... I need to make sure I am responding to texts.  And emailing those I care about.  I need to make sure that, regardless of my mood and state of mind, I should be returning texts and texting people as support.

Coming Up Soon on Thinawi... 
Tonight someone shared with me that they hate the word exercise and they have instead been talking about making healthy choices for their body.  I want to write about this later in the week because it really struck me as something insightful and I like the way it makes you think about going to the gym.

Next entry... Exercise vs. Healthy Choices

Sometimes you just feel GOOD!

Tonight JD and I went to see Rocky Horror.  I got all dolled up in semi-inappropriate clothes to go see the show.  Two years ago I would not have DREAMED of wearing what I wore out in public.  I would not have wanted any extra attention on me.  I wouldn't have wanted people to be able to see how uncomfortable I was in my body or how much I was showing off parts of my body to distract from the rest of me.  HOWEVER... tonight I did not feel that way.  I felt HOT! :-)  I felt good!  I felt attractive.  I felt ready to show off ME! :-)  So, YES!  I did come home and take pictures of myself... but you know what... I keep looking for full body pics from before WW to compare to and you know what?  They don't exist.  So, here are the photos from tonight!  DANG IT FEELS GOOD TO FEEL GOOD!