It Isn't Just About Shorts

There are 5 pictures below and they all have something in common. See if you can figure out what it is...

In case you hadn't figure it out it's my shorts.  Well, my "longs" as my boyfriend calls them.  And for as long as I can remember they are the only shorter pants I would wear when temperatures got hotter.  Because, as you see, like many other "bigger" women I have come to think that because I am a bit bigger means that I should keep more of myself covered up.  Even though I am feeling better about my body and my health, this feeling that "no one wants to see my legs (aka my fat)" is still something that I have been battling for years.

I am sure there are those of you out there that totally know what I am talking about. I put tank tops under shirts so there is 0% chance that any stomach will show EVER.  I wear pants and longer shorts that won't tighten up too much when I sit so my legs don't look like they are spilling over.  I wear sweaters over all of my tighter fitting outfits to hide some of the less attractive parts of me.  In conclusion, I purposefully wear clothes that hide my body.

Am I proud to admit all of these things?  Absolutely not.  It's hard to admit.  Especially because I pride myself on being confident and helping youth find their confidence.

In the past couple months something has started to shift in my thinking.  My "style" choices, the ones that hide my beautiful self, were pointed out to me.  The fact that I cover everything up with a sweater.  Or feel that because I have thicker legs I can't wear smaller shorts.  And although I always knew the reasons I was doing these things, to have them called out was a good shock to my system. To have it sink that that someone thinks that I-- exactly the way I am, working my butt off to stay healthy--don't need to continue to cover up so much.  "You are beautiful just the way you are."

And so recently I bought a pair of real shorts.  REAL, ACTUAL shorts.  It was pretty scary. And at first I didn't like them at all.  I haven't owned a pair of shorts like that since high school.  But after wearing them a couple times, I started to readjust.  And then I started to feel more confident.  And then I started to enjoy wearing them.  And now I have to say I think I look damn good.

But it wasn't just about the shorts.  It was about owning myself.  Starting to have an understanding of my body and how I look to others.  Not solely relying on the mirror, but how I actually feel wearing clothes.  I leave the gym feeling amazing, so why is it that I have such a hard time putting on a dress and feeling the same way?

Recently I spent time hanging out with someone that I believe is STUNNINGLY beautiful.  And the amount of people that check her out on the street totally agree. But she doesn't see it.  She confided in me that all she sees is fat when she looks in the mirror.  And I have to admit that I don't see a lick of fat on her.  After our conversation I came home and looked in the mirror.  Like many people, all I could see was the "blech".  You know, the things that make you say "blech".  And I got annoyed at myself because how can that be all I see when I am FEELING so great!  I am working my butt off and I feel great, so why do I continue to bash myself every time I look in the mirror.

Several of my friends posted THIS article on Facebook.  It's a story about a woman named Mehgan Tonjes who had her picture taken off Instagram because it was deemed as "inappropriate".  It was a photo much like the photos I take to share with my friends when I am feeling good.  But because she is a bit "bigger" it was taken down for being inappropriate.  And then Instagram apologized and it became a whole big thing.  But my point is, it really got me thinking about myself and the shorts.

We need to spend more time as people, woman especially, understanding how beautiful we are. Everyday.    

I am very lucky that I have people in my life who push to help me see it.  And these shorts were the first of many new clothing adventures I am trying.  And although they aren't all winners... yesterday I tried on a bathing suit that looked HEINOUS... at least I am trying to show the world that I am not ashamed of who I am or how I look.  While I may not be exactly where I want to be, I have worked damn hard to get to where I am and I will continue to work on being proud of how I look.  Because as I said, it isn't just about the shorts... it's about being able to see that they do indeed make me look damn good.

It's Been A While... And it's all about me!

Hello Blogging World!!

Man, it's been a while.  I was deep in the swing of health and blogging things when I turned my life upside down.  Long story very short I am now living in a one bedroom apartment and am dating someone new.  It was super sudden and really changed my daily life routines.

And therefore it has been a while.  I was very hesitant to blog in the month after because all that would come out were super emotional posts about trying to eat and working out when my life was in total chaos.  I tried a couple times but as I sat at the computer to type I would cry and then I stopped.  The overall lesson from the last couple months is that it is possible to keep on track and not eat your feelings when life goes awry.  There ARE people out there that are going to help you stay on and be there with you as you try and grasp onto some form of normalcy.  And these things can happen even if you aren't blogging.

HOWEVER-- This past weekend I was at my college reunion at Oberlin College and 7 separate people mentioned reading my blog.  People that I don't keep in contact with except for on Facebook. And it made me really think.  I miss blogging.  I miss sharing my experiences.  I miss having the accountability.  I miss having the extra support... And it really hit me that it isn't just for me... there are other people who are struggling and hearing about my ups and downs has helped... and it meant a lot to hear that people that I haven't spoken to in 6 years were reading this blog and being inspired by it.  So that's it... It's decided... It's time to get back into blogging.

So here we are.  A much different overall life pace and plan than I started out the year with but ready to kick some major butt!

Let me start the meat of this post by saying I am happy.  I am very, very happy and in a really good mental place.  This is important.  And being aware of it has been very important in understanding my motivations and drive for staying healthy.  Right now... IT'S ALL ABOUT ME!  Selfish as it sounds... I have to get myself in order.  I need to be healthy and happy FOR ME.  Not for anyone else.  This giant, very simple understand has been HUGE.  And it's very important to my summer in NYC.

But let me back up for a second so I can catch you up on the current happenings.  I am presently in NYC.  I left my brand new one bedroom apartment in Minnesota (which is waiting for me when I come home) to come to NYC for the summer to finish my masters.  One more summer and I am DONE!  Woo hoo!  So, here I am.  Spending my summer in NYC!  It's pretty fantastic and I am excited to be here.  But also a bit terrified...

I was here a couple summers ago.  Summer 2012 I went into with a major plan to stay on track and lose weight while I was here.  It didn't happen.  In fact, I gained weight.

June 2012-- 168.8 pounds 
August 2012-- 177.2 pounds 

Then last summer I said f*it all together and just ate whatever while I was in Europe (I feel like that was ok, I mean I was living in Europe.  How often does that happen?).  But the end result was the biggest I had been since 2011.  EEESSSHHHH...

June 2013-- 182.2 pounds 
August 2013-- 192.8 pounds 


I spent this past year losing all of the weight that I had gained last summer and then some.  It was not easy work and now here we are.  Starting Summer 2014 and I am DETERMINED not to gain weight this summer.

May 2014-- 176.4 pounds

August 2014-- ?????

I KNOW that I am not going to gain weight.  It's too important to this new idea that it's ALL ABOUT ME!

I want to be healthy.
I want to be in a place where eating better is routine not just work.
I want to continue building my relationship where working out and being healthy is part of who we are.
I want to continue to be happy.

I am SO happy.  Happier than I have been in 10 years probably. And because of this I feel like life is my oyster and there are endless possibilities.  And I this feeling that anything is possible includes getting myself in shape.  It is MORE THAN POSSIBLE.

I worked so hard this year to get where I am.  And although I am not the lowest weight I have been, I think I am actually in the best shape I have been in since high school.

I feel GREAT.  And because of that, I am doing what I need to stay on!  I joined a gym here, am tracking all my food and exercise, and have accountability people in Minnesota who are checking in on me.

SUMMER 2014-- I OWN YOU. 

Cheesy as it sounds-- this is my only life and I am going to make sure I am always doing what I need to in order to get the most out of it.  Right now it's all about ME!

So be ready for more posts.  There is one coming about the gym I joined soon.

But for now, make today about YOU... be excited that today is Thursday.  A day where you can do whatever you want. And make sure you are getting out of it what you need.  Because ultimately that's what life is about.  Be happy. <3

What Does My Stomach Say?

And yes, I did sing the fox song when I typed that.

This week I learned something very interesting.  As I have been listening to my body, I realize that it is actually quite smart.  It actually does try and tell me when I am full.  It does  try and tell me what is good for me and what is not.  Crazy, I know!

Listening to my body I have made some giant realizations!  I have learned that I crave bad, unhealthy food. Greasy, cheesy, delicious, disgusting food. I taste a bit and I want more.  I see it and I want to eat it. I smell it and I want to eat it.

This past weekend I ate:

• Fried pickles
• Mozzarella sticks 
• 3 pieces of gluten free pizza
• Greasy Chinese food

Each time I was giddy with excitement to eat what was in front of me.  I had flex points to use and felt good about eating them.  They looked delicious.  They looked like something that would bring me happiness.

The truth. 

I felt bloated, gross, and uncomfortable.  None of those foods made me happy.  In fact, they made me sluggish.  They made me feel yucky.  They made me feel completely uncomfortable, sitting and standing.  

And it hit me.  DING!  This is part of my battle.  Remembering that feeling.  Listening to my body.  Trying to fight against my desires and impulses.  Ignoring the "want" and choosing the healthy.  That is so much easier said then done.  But as I continue to work on getting healthier and taking better care of myself.  It is something that I will try and keep in mind. The continuous struggle between healthy and unhealthy. I need to start paying better attention.  I NEED to be aware of this battle.  This is going to help me stay with this new lifestyle.  

So, what does my stomach say? 

"Don't listen to your taste buds or impulses! Eat healthy!" 

(Cheesy but true) 

What Matilda Has To Do With Weight Loss

First things first, I lost .8 pounds tonight.  Not as much as I wanted but I'll take a loss! That's almost 8 pounds in a month!  I am on the right track!

The focus of the Weight Watchers meeting tonight was "The Power of Routines".  This has actually been a HUGE focus on my mind recently.  Routines.  How can I make this lifestyle my routine? What are the routines that are making me successful?

Here are the routines that Weight Watchers has deemed make someone successful:

1. Eat breakfast every day. 
2. Eat vegetables or fruit with every meal or snack. 
3. Put your fork down and sip water between bites. 
4. Wait a bit before reaching for seconds.
5. Wear an activity monitor all day, every day.
6. Walk at least five minutes each hour.
7. Know how you're going to be active tomorrow. 
8. Try standing up for your usual sit-down activities. 
9. Always have a healthy snack on hand. 
10. Plan the PointsPlus value of your next meal or snack. 
11. Know what you're having for lunch. 
12. Ask yourself: Is this worth the PointsPlus value? 
13. Get 7 to 8 hours of quality sleep each night. 
14. Eat all your meals at a table. 
15. Eat all your meals free of distraction. 
16. Always have comfortable shoes with you. 

During the meeting I thought about this list and which routines I feel confident that I am doing regularly (highlighted in blue).

1. Eat breakfast every day. 
2. Eat vegetables or fruit with every meal or snack. 
3. Put your fork down and sip water between bites. 
4. Wait a bit before reaching for seconds.
5. Wear an activity monitor all day, every day.
6. Walk at least five minutes each hour.
7. Know how you're going to be active tomorrow. 
8. Try standing up for your usual sit-down activities. 
9. Always have a healthy snack on hand. 
10. Plan the PointsPlus value of your next meal or snack. 
11. Know what you're having for lunch. 
12. Ask yourself: Is this worth the PointsPlus value? 
13. Get 7 to 8 hours of quality sleep each night. 
14. Eat all your meals at a table. 
15. Eat all your meals free of distraction. 
16. Always have comfortable shoes with you. 

This list made me realize that I need to continue working on some of these routines if I want to hit my goal.  It also made me realize that I have something big to be proud of... one daily activity I have made a routine is walking and weight training! I HAVE MADE EXERCISING A ROUTINE! 

I still don't LOVE exercising and I am not sure I ever will, however, there are things I can do to make it easier and less painful. 

Today I walked on the treadmill. BBBBOOOORRRRIIIINNNGGGGGGG. To make it more fun (for me) I listened to my Ipod.  Rather I ROCKED OUT to my Ipod.  I can't even explain the happiness that washed over me as the music played into my ears... perhaps coursed through me is a better description... but I felt overly happy.  Just pure joy and happiness as I walked with my headphones on.  Happy, amused, feeling just fine to be walking on the treadmill.  Not bored, not annoyed... Happy, amused, feeling good.  Jamming.   

And what was I jamming to?  This is where Matilda comes in.  This past summer I saw Matilda in London.  The show itself makes me weep.  WEEP.  Just a great show about the amazingness of children and what they can do.  This morning one of the songs really resonated with me.  A video of the song is below. 

WATCH MATILDA'S "NAUGHTY" BY CLICKING HERE

In case you decide you don't want to watch, here are the lyrics that hit home:

Every day, starts with the tick of a clock.
All escapes, starts with the click of a lock!
If you're stuck in your story and want to get out
You don't have to cry, you don't have to shout!

'Cause if you're little you can do a lot, you
Mustn't let a little thing like, 'little' stop you
If you sit around and let them get on top, you
Won't change a thing!

Just because you find that life's not fair, it
Doesn't mean that you just have to grin and bear it!
If you always take it on the chin and wear it
You might as well be saying
You think that it's ok
And that's not right!
And if it's not right!
You have to put it right!

But nobody else it gonna put it right for me!
Nobody but me is going to change my story!
Sometimes you have to be a little bit naughty!

If you have read Matilda or seen the movie, you know that Matilda has to play some tricks on her parents to get things done.  She has to make her own life right because she is handed a tough situation.  I am not saying that my overall life situation is tough.  In fact, the opposite.  I have a great life.  I really feel so lucky with the people in my life and where I am at 27, almost 28.  

In regards to my weight loss and health that is not the case.  I don't feel lucky.  And as I was speed walking on the treadmill I realized that there are some times where I feel stuck and pity myself.  "I am too busy... I am addicted to food... blah blah blah... woe is me."  And as I walked and listened to Matilda today I began to feel even more empowered.  I have changed my routines.  I have changed my eating habits.  I may not always be perfect but I am changing... 

But nobody else it gonna put it right for me!
Nobody but me is going to change my story!

Matilda said it right.  Matilda knows the way to success.

So this week Weight Watchers has given me a set of routines to work on and Matilda has given me words to internalize and live by!